Mothers Day

One of the best moments in my life was the day I became a mother. It is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs I will ever have. From a young age I always wanted to be like a mom, just like mine. When I would play house I was always Mom, yes I am older, but that was what I wanted more than anything when I grew up.

At five, I had no clue how hard it was, I saw my Mom and the stuff she did, if I did that then I would be a mom. At 20 I had no clue how hard it was, but very quickly found out when my eldest came into the world. To say I was slightly under prepared, would be an understatement. But like every other mother in the world the learning curve is a steep and fast one, but you catch on pretty quick.

He hardly slept the little bugger. I swear that boy would go to bed at midnight and wake up at 5am bright eyed, and bushy tailed. Sleep was a thing of the past indeed. Never mind, the middle of the night feedings, the crying that wouldn’t stop no matter what I did, and you’d go through the whole list, change the diaper, feed him, hug him, sing to him, hell I even found myself in the crib because he wouldn’t sleep. The things you do for your baby.

You suddenly find yourself doing anything and everything for that baby. There isn’t anything you wouldn’t do. The same show over and over again until you are repeating it in your sleep, when you happen to doze off, building towers of Lego and playing cars in the dirt. I read the same story over and over because that’s the one he liked.

Then there were the harder times, the first time he fell and got hurt. The nights, when he was sick and there was nothing I could do, the trips to the hospital that made my heart cry. The nights I would spend crying to sleep because I was tired, and nobody told me this was how it was going to be.

The decisions I had to make, were all about him. Whatever was best for him, no matter how hard they were for me. Not one person explained that one to me. But I learned. Even through those desperately hard times, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to do.

Skip ahead many years and for the first time in a very long while I am feeling like I have the right to celebrate this day once again. A mother again, much has changed this time around, much has stayed the same. But for me personally, I am humbled this time around, I don’t for granted these moments which are indeed fleeting at best, though difficult at the time, and I have been tested. I know it’s all worth it in the end. Its the best job.

So to all the moms, who have bags under their eyes from very little sleep, whose hair hasn’t been brushed in awhile, who wear the same clothes every day, who are spit up on, peed on, and don’t even care, the ones who stay up all night with their babies when they are sick, drive everywhere, do anything to make them better. The women that juggle jobs, and kids, husbands and partners and sometimes not. The ones who the job doesn’t stop if you are feeling tired or sick. The ones that carry screaming kids out of shopping centres and grocery stores, who pee nursing a baby, or hide in closets, cry in showers just to get a minute. I salute you. I am you. Thank you for everything that you do. This world wouldn’t turn without you. You are underpaid, and underappreciated most of the time. But we all know that its worth it in the end. Here’s to all the moms around the world that do it all. Happy Mothers Day ❤ ❤ <3. Enjoy your day.

Oh Baby

It took awhile for everything to sink in, motherhood again at my age was well daunting in so many ways. As the months would pass, and my body once again changed with each day, I began to slip into old thoughts more and more. My anxiety about this pregnancy was at an all time high. I don’t remember being so worried last time.

Everything was different this time. I thought I knew what to expect, I did have a 19 year old out there in the world. Though as true as that statement may be, this pregnancy was different right off the bat, last time I was lucky, never sick a day. Not so, this time around, I felt sick to my stomach everyday, but wouldn’t throw up. I had constant headaches, and a cold that never seemed to go away.

Despite all of this, the usual weight gain, the new wonderful stretch marks that adorned my body, I was beyond happy and blessed to be in this position. I knew very well, not all people got to experience this.

This pregnancy if anything made me more humble, right from day one.  I was in a grey area with regards to health. Most doctors I saw, put me as high risk right away, just because of my age, then add the history of clots, well that put me in a new stratosphere so to speak. I would be closely watched for the entire pregnancy. Late in the pregnancy I again encountered a hiccup so to speak. I was told I had gestational diabetes.

My mind was going crazy with all of this information, and these worries.  Add to that all the worries and thoughts that were already there, to say it was stressful, was a vast understatement. At night when it was quiet, the world was sleeping, I would worry about my past coming back to haunt me. Would I lose this child too? It was a horrible thought to say the least, but it was always there, just under the skin. I fought daily with my own mind, trying to put thoughts like that to rest. But I also wondered if the things that were said, and thought so many years ago, the stuff about me not being a good parent, or capable of being one, things like that haunted my mind at night.

My partner was away at work in another province throughout the pregnancy, although I was used to this part of our lives already, this new addition was making it often harder to cope with day to day. Often I felt alone. Doctors visits were nerve-racking as it was, but without him here, I was usually a mess. Thank god for his sisters. But still, I had always imagined that if I were to be in this way again, it’d be different, I wouldn’t be alone. Yet here I was, some nights were long and hard. Maybe it was all the hormones coursing through my body, maybe it was the stress, but there were many nights I cried myself to sleep.

My mom was far away, again, and he was far away as well. Sometimes it was too much. I had to go to the city for an ultrasound, they were trying to determine if everything was okay because of my advanced age. I was never so scared to go to an appointment, as I was for this one. Everything ended up being fine, but the build up was pretty intense.

Honestly up until that very appointment I still wasn’t sure I was really pregnant. I could be just getting fat. It wasn’t until I saw those ultrasound pictures, then it became real. I saw the heartbeat, I saw my baby wave at me. Then it became so very real. So regardless of the risks, worries, etc. I am very excited about what is happening. ❤

Coming back

It seems like forever since I have written anything. Clearly almost a year has passed since I last posted anything. Not necessarily because I had nothing to say, but mostly things happened and I chose to deal with them privately until there was a time I was okay putting it out into the world.

Things have changed over the past year. Some major changes as well as some minor ones as well. Since last writing some family has passed away. For me it was a shock and I definitely needed some time. The people who passed were my aunt and uncle. The very ones who adopted my son. Both got sick and passed way to soon for any of us, but sooner for others.

The decision to keep it private was mostly for their sakes, and well for my son as well. The family needed time to grieve. I needed time. Both losses were hard for me, I seem to have a legacy of leaving things unsaid and with these two especially I didn’t want the same but circumstances as they were, the universe had its own plans.  When my uncle passed it was hard, but for me personally it was his wife’s passing that was more difficult. Plus feeling it was happening and not being able to do anything once again made it worse.

Although the connection was so many years ago, it was not easy. Fifteen years had passed since I was able to speak to my aunt. So much had happened in that time, good and bad, and everything in between. I happened to call home for some reason, and was shocked to hear that quite a few family members were in the hospital at the same time. When I found out whom, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew instinctively the moment I heard her name it was bad, that this was it, my last chance. I am still crying over her loss. What sucked was maybe a day before I had purchased a plane ticket to go home and visit before Christmas. I couldn’t change my tickets. I was running out of time. I so badly wanted to be able to see her before I couldn’t.

I arrived on a Sat, she passed on the Monday. She didn’t want visitors and it just about killed me to hear that. At first I just thought it a cruel ploy to keep me away, boy was I mad. Then slowly I realized it may of really been her wish, and how could I go against it? Days before coming I wrote a letter to her, the last one I would write. She didn’t get that one, but one did get to her. thought it would have been better in person, it said what was important, that above everything I had nothing but gratitude and love for both of them, and what they had done for my family; for Micheal.

My heart kept on breaking that visit and for some time afterward. It still hurts. I’m still crying. I realized how much time was lost, for what? I couldn’t remember what everyone was fighting about anymore. Did it matter? Not really, and in my eyes, it desperately needed to stop. How many more people had to die before people would get it? My heart was heavy with thoughts of how it used to be, before all of this. Memories of staying at her house, camping out, the fires with marshmallows, the pancakes in the morning. If I was close to anyone in my family, it was her. From day one, we had this connection, I have trouble even now describing, but it was intense and special. There was no one like her, and she just understood me in a way not too many people got. Some of my most favorite memories are times I spent with her. To say I was devastated when we quit talking was putting it mildly. Now that she was gone, and there was no chance of fixing it, of the memories that could have been. There are no words that appropriately describe it.

My heart broke for my son. The universe seemed too cruel to him. Once again I found myself wanting to do anything to take the pain away for him, to shoulder that burden, but I know all to well, that is not how this works. I felt like a failure as a mother all over again. I couldn’t do anything right when it came to him. I wanted to run to him, to hold him, to beg for his forgiveness for putting him in this situation, but I couldn’t. Hell I doubt he’d want anything to do with me after this. If he wasn’t already mad at me, this surely would send him there. How did I know? He was part of me. Hell how could I forgive myself for this mess now?

I knew deep down once again that I had to walk the other way, at least for awhile. So I retreated into myself, and grieved in my own way, for all of them. For the family that was now broken, lost. For the relationships that could not come back, for the way life once was, I tried hard not to lose sight of the future which seemed so very uncertain but still so full of hope, that out of this there may be a silver lining, that one day he would come back to me, and the rest of the family that missed him so very much, in time.

In the meantime, there was a lot of other stuff that would hold my attention, a new chapter in my familys’ life. And right now, I had to do whatever I needed, to make sure that this part of my life came to fruition. But more about that later. So I healed in the ways I knew, I took the time to feel all of the emotions I was, and there was a lot, so many, and lots of complicated ones at that, sorting through that closet was not the easiest of tasks, and it would take a lot of soul searching, a lot of forgiveness. But in the end I was finally able to close the door on this chapter of my life, and get ready for the next adventure. ❤

when the universe talks, you better listen

I admit that I am one of the more stubborn people in the world. I come by it naturally it seems down familial lines. That being said even I have noticed I am slow to learn my life lessons, and have seen the same topic come up more than one time.

So paying attention to what the Universe is saying, has been a steep learning curve to say the least. I have not always been attuned to these messages, though I feel I am making some progress, as I seem to have gotten one message loud and clear.

A little while back now, I was feeling exhausted in every way possible, I was stressed out in a way no one should be, though I feel like there are a lot of us out there. My work became my life and I thought about it day and night, every waking moment I had and some while I slept. My body ached, I cried all the time and still that wasn’t enough to get me to listen.

One incident made me sit up and listen, and thank god I did get it, the alternative lesson that would come would be much worse, and I know that without a shadow of a doubt. The moment I got it, it was like my world changed and everything shifted, I noticed a difference right away. Was the Universe done, oh hells no!!! Again the Universe seemed to be screaming at me, and some big changes happened, without notice really. There was no time to think. But I found listening to that voice, those signs, has been the best move I have made in awhile.

I decided to move to another province on what seemed like a whim to my family and friends, but I think that unconsciously I had made that decision a long time ago, it just never made it to the inbox until recently. It wasn’t easy and man did  have my doubts. I squirmed this way and that way before finally making up my mind. I had just reconnected with some of my family and I was rather nervous about leaving. Guilt about my job and leaving my coworkers just about sent me back to the 7th level of hell, thankfully I never fell for it.

Leaving my friends and family is never easy, plus I seriously thought I was done with whole big move stuff. in one very short week, my life got turned upside down as I purged my stuff, said my goodbyes, packed my stuff and went on my way. I was terrified, I haven’t been too far from some type of family relations in awhile, not only that my mind kept coming up with every bad scenario possible. But in the end I knew this was part of my journey. I was following my path, and it was leading to my new home.

As scared as I was, I was happy to hear that my new family  were excited about my coming. It made things a little easier to adjust too. And honestly, they have been life savers in this respect. His family has welcomed me with open arms. They take me out with them, include me in things and make me feel like part of the family. I will forever be grateful to them for this.

The last few weeks, I don’t know, maybe I am more attuned to everything, but it seems to me, that I am definitely here for reason. The clearer it becomes, the more I see, how much I will be learning here. I am trying my best to be more open to this process and to really open up to seeing the different signs. I am learning lol. Things are starting to make sense, there is a lot of clicking going on. I am able to see the potential outcomes of these opportunities and lessons.

Take today for instance. one of my neighbors who is quickly becoming part of my tribe, asked me to go on a little day trip. I was up for an adventure, and looked forward to exploring. I had no clue just how important that little road trip would become in the end. I was just excited to get out plus seeing a bunch of peacocks roaming around, I was one happy camper :). We went not to far from home to a small town, it was beautiful there, so quiet, I immediately felt at home. then we saw part of what we came for, the peacocks. Omg so beautiful. I love these birds, so I was in bliss surrounded by them. We walked around town a bit visiting the few stores in town. The moment I walked into the first store, I knew I was not here by mistake. This most definitely was a sign. As we walked through the store, I certainly couldn’t miss all the little things, that were so similar to things I liked to do. Deep in my heart and my gut, I knew I better pay attention to this.

As we continued around town, it was like my mind was on fire. So many different thoughts, plans were going through my head. As we had lunch, we talked about different things, including possibilities. These visions were coming at me a lightning speed, and in full detail. More and more I felt aligned with my purpose here on earth. It was a lightbulb moment for sure. I still can’t believe it happened. a couple more shops and a tour through the town, I knew I belonged here or very close to there, The peacocks were calling me and I could hear them squawking from far away. I could hear them the moment we got into town.

The next stop was another small town, and another neat little shop, again full of messages, and signs. I’m quite drawn to both these places. The ride home my mind was just lit up with possibilities. I don’t think I have quite come down from that high, even hours later. There is no doubt in my mind, today was meant to happen, and the Universe was speaking.

For once I was listening with every part of me. I can’t say there haven’t been bumps or at least caution signs on this journey, there have been some pretty big pot holes. But I have never felt so sure about a decision. Even with those bumps and knowing that it could be just as bumpy or more so in the future, the feeling that I am in the right place has never been stronger. There have been days I wanted to tear out all my hair, ones where I worried like never before. Ones where I questioned everything. Ones where I broke down and cried. But even with all of that I know I came here for a reason, I see it clearer than day.  I am more resolute and steadfast in my being here. Though absolutely terrifying at times. There is a reason I am here and I don’t intend on leaving without doing what is intended for me to do.

I am at peace with myself like never before. I see the connections to my past, and the reasons I went through certain things, in a way I couldn’t see before. I feel like I am on my path, in the moment and exactly where I am supposed to be, Namaste ❤

Renewal

In the last few weeks I have been undergoing an overhaul of sorts. It has been a rather confusing , and a very emotional time. Things being stirred up from the deepest, darkest places in both my soul and my heart.

It has made nights sleepless, and my days hard as I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I can feel the changes, as things have been released. There has been lots of releasing, which for me has meant lots of writing. My mind never seems to shut off and I feel like I could write a million pages. I have cried almost everyday for the past few weeks.. it is amazing that I still have so much to let go.

I feel my self growing and glowing as I go through this transformation. I feel more certain and resolute about my place on Earth. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am truly here for a reason. Just as my heart has begun to open a thousand fold, so have my eyes. I am much more aware of the bigger picture. I am able to see in all directions, how things are connected, how we all are connected.

I feel a power inside of me, I really haven’t felt before, it is love for sure. In all its forms. This has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have spent so many years searching for this very feeling. Grasping desperately at anything and everything thrown at me in hopes of finding this high. I have searched high and low for meaning in my life. I’ve spent endless hours agonizing over why I was still here? Why it seemed that God and the Universe just kept dumping crap on me constantly.

I cried that it was too much. That there was no way I could possibly survive what was being thrown my way. I’ve spent hours, days, months on my knees begging for it to stop. But all those twists and turns, bumps, lumps, pot holes and ditches thrown before me has led me here to this very time and place, this very moment in my life where I feel immense gratitude, peace and love.

I can hardly believe I am here. The tears running down my face as I write this now are ones of relief, of pride, of sacrifice, of the realization of the impossible. Of love. I know its only the beginning. There is much more healing, more love to come. I am in complete and utter awe, at just how much things have changed. How much I have changed. How I have grown in just a short amount of time. I am becoming the person I am meant to be. It is amazing. It is beautiful. The only time before this that I felt like this was the day my son was born. A life changing event in so many ways, indeed.

The words rebirth come to mind, as Easter has just passed I see an odd parallel. I feel like I am completely transformed, having shed the old body, the old me and revealing a newer, better, more authentic self. I am far from a religious person but for me personally these past few weeks have made me reevaluate my beliefs in great many things.

I know my work is hardly over. But for me to finally begin to seethe results of all my hard work, of everything I have gone through, fought for etc. It is a beautiful thing for sure. It gives me more hope for the future, it gives me  foundation to build on. It feeds my drive to push forward on my path. To do what is necessary, to have faith in me, the process and everything.

It doesn’t mean that I am unafraid as I move forward. It just means that I own it more. I am able to feel and recognize the feeling and emotions that come with it, then move past it. A lot quicker than before. That I am to trust more, that things will work out, in their own time. It teaches me to have patience and understanding for both my self and world around me.

In regards to my family, both immediate and extended these lessons play an integral role for me, but also for my family in the future. Having been able to truly forgive everyone, to live in the love that I have for them, it has allowed me to heal old wounds. deep as they may be, I was greatly surprised that this was even possible. Let alone how easy it seemed in the end. I will never forget what has happened or how it made me feel, or how it affected my life. But it was the strong love, the unconditional love I have deep inside my heart that allowed me to live in that space.

I try to focus on how much they mean to me. I am trying to focus on our future together and to try and make that a reality, with a lot of moving parts, stubborn hearts it seems at times an insurmountable endeavour.one, at various times I wanted to give up. But as I have been able to connect with my authentic self, as well as be able to see both forward and back, I can feel the connections that I have with these people.

I believe whole heartedly that this connection spans not only this lifetime but many others. It is that realization that makes it so I cannot just give up on them or us. For we have weathered many different obstacles over the lifetimes and yet we managed to stay together. Though now we may be separated by ego, hurt feelings, stubborn heads and even more so hearts. I believe that one day our family will be one again. I believe that we will be able to heal, one another, our selves. That the love we have for each other is not lost, but only hidden, masked by vines, trees, and roots, clouds, fog and what have you. That one day we will come together as one, and bring the light. That one day we will love once again.

It is this dream, this moment that I am working towards, The healing of my family, great and small. One day our love will heal our broken hearts. That we will stand together as one. ❤ ❤ ❤

Thank You

There are no words. Not enough anyway. It has been a long time since you and I have spoken. I  mean decades. How sad and disgusting is that? I want to cry as I write that, seriously it tears me up inside.

Today was not the day I expected it to be. It was so much better. Though I am not to sure if you would agree. Its been a day full of emotions, a lot of thinking, reflection, and much to my surprise release and forgiveness.

If anything I realized today just how important having faith is, how much my family means to me, how grateful I am, and how blessed I am. You are part of this. So much more than you know.

The silence between us has been far too great for far far too long. The thing is, I’m not sure what caused it. What did I say? What did I do? But it stops today. No more. This silence has caused nothing but pain, miscommunication, and so many unwanted things, and for what, so we can be right?

14 years ago a decision was made. It would change both of our lives. I am not sure how your end went, but I am pretty sure you win. But this isn’t about the past, and it could be. But I am taking a slightly different road today. This about what we have in common. whether we like it or not, the one thing we both love more than life itself. Our son.

Today I learned it takes a village, well one really screwed up family to raise one really amazing kid. It hurts, to think about, to feel it all over again, but in the end, no matter how pushed and prodded I felt into making that choice. I see now that it was most definitely the best one. For him, and quite frankly he is all that matters in the end.

Thank you for raising him. You did a good job.  I could not be prouder of the man he has become. And that is due to you. I have often questioned over the years, regretted, fretted and so many things, if it was the right choice. That question, those thoughts were all quelled today in one moment.

Thank you from the bottom of this most grateful heart for everything you have done for him. Thank you for listening to me, and raising him the way you did. He is amazing. I am so happy to see that he has had a good life, grew up right, and very much loved. I chose right in choosing you, so thank you.

You have no idea of just how much I love you, and in all truth neither did I until today. I had forgiven, released so much anger and hurt over the years. I thought I was done with it all, until today. I have always loved you, even amidst all those feelings. I have never stopped. I have sorely missed our conversations, and everything we used to do together. I am sorry, I am only telling you this now. Today a wave came over me and I truly let it all go, harboring no ill will, no bad feeling, not even a bit. Today I let it all go. I have nothing but respect and gratitude for you , and what you have done.

Years of bad feelings and hurt have kept me silent far too long. I am breaking that now. I only wish is that I get the chance to tell you in person. That you get to see the person I have become, to know me as I am now, and not what you remember. Your little bug finally grew up, though painful at times, and some really hard things. I hope you would be proud of me. I hope that you will sing at my wedding, and watch me walk down the aisle and that we all get to watch him, do all those things as well.

I love you so very much, and have missed you a great deal over the years. Thank you again for doing such a good job with him. I hope you are as proud of him as I am. thank you Auntie Katie and Uncle Emanuel for doing the job of a lifetime. Thank you for raising Micheal. I love you both ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Eighteen

 

Eighteen years ago I was a little older than that in the hospital after what seemed like to an endless labor. Even after I finally got admitted, things were slow going. The pain hurt bad. I was scared. So scared. What was I doing?? I am about to have a baby!!! My Dad is on the other side of the country, and my Mom was somewhere in the air trying get here in time. My best friend from childhood is with me. holding me hand and telling me it’s going to be okay, and to breathe. My grandma is here with me too. Dandy is the waiting room.

After nothing for a bit they gave me some stuff to get things moving. Oh God it hurts. You were high up and in the back. You took your time coming. It seemed like forever, ten million back rubs later, a few showers, jumping on the big jelly bean, and few shots because I wanted to feel you come. Plus the giant needle in the spine was just too much.

The medicine they gave me made me immediately sick, so on top of everything I was puking all over my self. The contractions continued to come in waves, each successive one, stronger than the first. I cried. I screamed. I held my best friends hand.

I was tired. everything hurt and it didn’t seem to end. The moment the disheveled man , my doctor who apparently had just woken up, came in, I knew you were on the way. I think I screamed the entire time. God did it hurt, I cried. I cried because everything was going to change, in the most wonderful way. I cried because I was finally going to meet you.

After nine long months. The baby bump that I read to every night, that I talked too, sang too, was going to become a real life little human. I was so damn scared. but so very excited to meet you.

I remember after that last big push and you came out. I remember hearing you cry for the first time. I wanted so badly to hold you but was pretty drugged up, I decided to wait, plus my doctor was busy stitching. I wanted to wait until that was done. I was afraid I’d drop you. Auntie Becca held you first, then Baba.

Finally sitting in the wheelchair, feeling secure enough (body wise) I held you for the first time. All red , a head full of black hair just like his, we said hello. That moment where I saw your eyes look at me for the first time. The moment I knew I was in love with you. Scared out of my mind that I was doing it all wrong, I sat with you in my arms, just staring at you, admiring the miracle that was you. I cried. Tears of joy. tears because he wasn’t there with  me. That part sucked. I wanted him there so badly, and felt guilty he wasn’t. I cried because I never knew I could love feel so much love for one person.

Thus our journey together begun. As scared as I was, even then I knew you were the best thing that came into my life. You taught me so many things over the years. I could never have foreseen that our time together would be so short. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from it. It was too short. too soon, we needed more time together.

Now 18 years later I am writing this , bawling my eyes out. Micheal Aaren (Bunka) Beck there hasn’t been a day in the last fourteen years that I haven’t thought about you, wondered about you, that I haven’t loved you. I will now and forever always love you.

I pray that you had a good life. That you are happy , and you feel loved. Life has taught me many lessons over the years. It hasn’t always been easy or kind. But my dear son you have always been the light in my life. During my darkest days, it was your light, your love. You, that led me out. You were my strength when I needed it, you were my faith when I thought I lost it.

No matter the distance between us, the time between us, you and I have always been connected to one another. I have always been there with you. Though maybe deep in your heart, in your memories, my love for you has always been there. I hope that in those dark moments, those quiet moments, that you felt me and my love for you.

I hope that one day soon, our paths will once again cross and I will get to see who you have become. The man you are. I pray and hope everyday, that with each passing day, it brings one day closer to seeing you. That one day we will reconnect and the past can become the past and we can walk forward together into the future.Our adventure together may have been put on hold for a bit, but it is not the end. I look forward to restarting our journey together again in this great big world.

I love you more than words can say. You have had my heart from day one, and you always will. So happy birthday to the brightest star in my world. I hope you have a day filled with laughter and love. Until we meet again my sweet son. Love always and forever.

Mom<3 ❤ ❤

 

 

Dollars and sense

So yesterday my phone rang while I was at work. I looked down  and tried to remember the number it seemed familiar but no name came up.

It was the collection agency. Fuck. I heard the whiny voice of the girl on the other end. Why must you keep calling? I silently asked in my head. You called me twice last month. Ugh.

She rambled on giving me my balance and the usual we are offered to give you a discount to close out your account. This debt is more than ten yrs old and I have been paying into for four years. I don’t make alot of money and this payment was sometimes very hard to  make, would I be able to eat for the next two weeks? But I made a plan and stuck to it, giving extra when I could, but I certainly wasn’t going to ask my parents as they suggested multiple times.

My battle began the moment I came home. I had to open a bank account and my old bank was the only way seeing I had no real Id yet. The minute I did open it, I imagine alarms went off at the collection agency. Because when I made my first deposit it was gone. Just like that. I think they took more than 75% of it.

I got on the phone and yelled at some people boy was I mad, was even more so when they told me the amount. We argued back and forth about my payment. They wanting my arm, my leg and next child . I felt trapped and angry. 10 years,  I screamed, at my dad in tears. Banks apparently have longer memories than elephants. This is not how it was supposed to be.

I made the arrangements and begrudgingly paid every month. They don’t give a crap whether you can eat, pay your rent, or buy your medication. They just want their most and will use everything in the book to get it.

I hated them. I avoided their call a once I figured out the numbers. They harassed me daily for awhile. Like 6 calls everyday for over two weeks. Wtf.

You know I remember the payment that causes this whole mess. I was living with my dad and brother and son at the time. Rent was due, and maybe it was after my brother moved in with his gf. But we didn’t have all the cash. I had had the credit card for a little bit and been using it well paying off my statements every month. I hemmed and hawed over it for awhile but when I looked at my sons little blue eyes I knew I had no choice. I paid the rent with the credit card. We needed a place to live.

After that it was always catch up only I couldn’t. I would later find myself with no job, no home, no child. I was on a mission to save my life and that damn payment didn’t seem too important anymore.

Jump ahead 10 years. It was killing me to do this but the adult in me, knew I had to clean up this mess. 4 years later and the ladies voice echoing through my brain, I have to check my balance I said begrudgingly. I looked, it was almost all I had. Sure I was getting paid that day but it was a significantly lighter check. Still on the line I okayed the payment.

I was done. A moment after hanging up with annoying woman, I knelt down and cried. Out of nowhere. I felt a ton weight come off my shoulders. I hardly knew it was there because it felt I had been carrying it forever. But the moment it disappeared, I noticed the change. How light I felt. To be honest I didn’t think this day would ever come.

My debt wasn’t huge by any means. But for me and my current financial status it definitely made this difficult at times.

In my adult life I have made some really hard choices, come through a great deal. But in this moment, I couldn’t have been prouder of this accomplishment.

Looking forward, I know I need to get my act together and really look at my finances and make a plan. I don’t ever again want to be in the places I have been. I will try to prepare better now. The canvas is now clean. And anything seems possible at this moment. I feel relieved. I feel free. 😃

The road to you

This is Danny.

He is my life and my love. Hopefully forever. The road to him hasn’t been easy, and honestly in the end I didn’t really feel like I deserved to be loved. After failed relationships, broken hearts and many walls. This felt impossible for many reasons. I cried at night in loneliness, asking God what I had done wrong, why wasn’t I good enough to find someone.

My friends relationships made me sick with jealousy, I longed so badly for what everyone else seemed to have. As I was setting my life up  as a cat lady, seriously though, I thought this would be my future. My past partners had moved on seemingly and were happily with the new loves of their lives. While I contemplated how many cats I would get.

I was in a rut and stuck and so very lonely. I had given up on online dating. Omg the horror stories. It clearly wasn’t for me :(. Little did I know in the very last place I thought to look would I find my other half. And he had been there for quite awhile.

When I finally decided to look up, there he was. Not quite what I expected. But immediately when I did finally pay attention, I could feel something between us. This was big, special, possibly everything I had ever wanted. 🙂

Very early on he had my heart. I fell completely for him, and quickly. My friends and family cautioned me to slow down. But in 30 some years of being me, I have learned that when the heart wants something or someone there is no stopping this girl.

He says I cast a spell on him. He can’t believe how fast he fell. I don’t either of expected it, but there is no looking back now. He has quickly become one of my best friends if not my best friend. Everyday we find something more in common. Everyday I fall in love just a little more.

Two weeks in he had to leave for work and go to another job. That first separation was a doozy. I have done the distance thing before. I was a bit hesitant to try again. Life with a partner who travels for work, for often long periods of time, well it sucks. So choosing this , well it’s a big deal. It would be almost a month before we saw each other in person again.

This would be the test I thought. He texts me every morning, From 5 am we are talking until I get to work. We talk every night or at least say good night. Video chats are the norm now. this man has my schedule down. Seriously, he knows when I should be on the train, or I am getting coffee in the am. He knows how long it takes to get to work> he worries about me on the train by myself at night. he is always there even if not in person.

I won’t lie and say its great, a bowl full of cherries, peachy. Sometimes it’s not. I get a bit squirrely around 2 wks. Its hard, it’s lonely and I miss him every day. I have been trying to get him to move here. I thought of possibly moving to his neck of the woods, I probably wouldn’t mind it so much, but he is always working here. Why would I go somewhere and he be here? Ugh. I hate being without him.

When we do see each other, it is usually for only a couple of days. Work schedules rarely worked in our favor, and for awhile it was just a few hours for the average weekend. Never enough time. I have learned through the past, and even now that I need to be more patient. I live more in the moment. Each minute we are together is special and we take it as we can get it.

From the very beginning we have been able to talk about pretty much anything. He has heard my stories, read my blog, he knows a lot about me and of him. Some days haven’t been great and if I am having a bad day, that man will do what he can to change that around.

I find it hard to fully express just how much he means to me. He is everything and more to me. He makes me smile, and even when I’m mad at him or disappointed,  he never stops trying to make my day. he is so kind and patient with me and my moods.  Trust me when they switch on the fly like whether here, it is a godsend to have someone who weathers the storm with me.

I don’t feel alone like I used to. Even when he is hundreds of miles away, I don’t feel far from him. He treats me like a queen, which has been hard for me to adjust too. He is there for everything, good or bad, he walks with me, hand in hand.

Never did I think I would find this. Never did I think I’d find you. But I have never been happier. I know that things won’t always be so rosy, we will get mad, disagree, and maybe even fight. But I know that for me, personally, I am going no where. You are stuck with me. You have shown me that you are here for the long haul, ready and willing to take on me and all that comes with me.

You make me happier than I have been in years. You make me smile everyday. I can hardly stand being with out you now. You have filled in the empty space in my heart, and you are repairing the broken parts of me.

You make me want to be a better version of myself, you make me want to grow and change with you. I want to grow old with you, and I pray that we both have long lives, since it took awhile to find one another. I only want to make you as happy as you make me. I will do anything I can to make that happen. You are everything to me. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us both. I look forward to all the moments I will have with you. thank you for being you. Thank you for coming into my life. I love you more than words can say. I miss you everyday I am not with you, and always look forward to you coming home. ❤

sadness

Amidst the happiness of the other day, I got a text this morning as I was leaving “Call me”. My experience says these are never good conversations. by the time I got to train station, my gut and heart had an idea what might be happening. They were right. I was already trying to hold back the tears as I dialed the number, but as the words went into my year, my heart let out a yelp, and a deep guttural cry, as it sunk in. The man I regarded as my father in law, had passed. though it was not a huge surprise, it hurt deeply.

It brought up a tide of raw unyielding emotions. Ones I thought I was over with, had dealt with and were past feeling. I would go through a thousand emotions in seconds, and I am still fighting with them now.

At work I tried so hard to concentrate on work. Though my first room, didn’t help. The air felt thick and stale, it was filled with sadness, a man passed away earlier in the morning or late last night. I would’ve been okay if this morning hadn’t happened. But it had and my mind was going places, my heart was taking a trip down memory lane, and all I could do was cry. I cried for this unknown man, and his pain that was so great that caused him to take his life. I cried for the man who I just lost. I cried for my son.

After some crying, eventually getting the room done, I got angry. That anger raged inside of me like a forest fire eating everything in its way. I was angry at him, but what surprised me was the anger I had for my own kin. I cried angry tears as I fought this unwanted emotion throughout the day. I had forgiven these people. I moved on. now this was bringing it up again.

My day couldn’t end fast enough, then when it did I spent most of the time trying to avoid going home, because I knew once there I would think. I would feel. I would spend the night being sad, and crying. Maybe that is what is needed right now. I am trying to just go with it, to cry if I want, to feel the hurt and pain, the anger. I am trying not to hold onto it though. I want to be in it, but not forever.

The profound sadness I feel for my son is unlike anything I have felt to date. My heart breaks for him, all his grandparents on that side of the family are gone. He never got to meet them. I broke my promise to them. The one that held the most importance to me. I let them down, and I let him down. ;(

All I want to do is hold him, comfort him. Then a wave of anger washes over my heart as I think of who is responsible for this. I think about the pain I have endured over the years, the mess, the mess I will have to clean up. I get mad. I am surprised by this anger. I am unsure I want to be feeling this, afraid that it will be like releasing a caged animal into the wilderness, unhinged, wild and free. I am afraid of going back to places I don’t want to go. I try to feel it and move forward, but my heart grabs onto it, and won’t let go. wanting retribution, wanting revenge for everything.

I am better than that I tell my heart. I allow myself to feel the range of emotions. knowing this is healthy and needed. But I try to limit it to just this, I know I am in danger of taking this to a level I don’t want .

I spent to long being angry and hurt. Living in the darkness of my heart. I dwelled in that space for far too long, and I don’t want to look back. I am a different person now. I owe it to myself and everything I have done to escape that place, those emotions, to do things differently this time.

A wave sadness rushes over me, as I look at the little boy in the picture. I have to be strong. For him. The tears are flowing down my already raw face. burning as they reach my chin. I close my eyes and try to steady my thumping heart. Memories come flooding back. The last conversation. The first time I met him. When I came home after all those years. My heart aches for this family.

I know he is in a better place, with his beloved wife, who passed years before. Its the only place he wanted to be. The love between them was something else. I hope that I will experience that. My heart, my soul is happy, smiling knowing they are finally together, all together. I am sad for my son. That he won’t get to know them as I have, that he will never meet them in person.

The anger in me is growing as I think of my family. What was taken from my son, just so they could be right, or to have their way. For all the understanding that I have, I don’t understand this. I am trying not to wallow in this pool. I push the thoughts out, and I pray. I meditate asking for guidance. Asking for peace. I try to settle my heart down. I try to control my emotions. But the tears keep falling.

We didn’t always get along, or agree with each other. But this man had nothing but love for me and my son. He comforted me when he could, the best he could, when I needed it, when I fell apart. He loved us. I will never forget that. I always considered him my father in law even though his son and I never married. I stayed close to them after he died, for my son mostly, but maybe a little for me too. He, they, his wife and him brought me comfort in a way that others couldn’t. I feel bad because the one promise I wanted; no needed to keep, I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried. I still couldn’t do it. I feel as I let them down and I let my boy down.

My face hurts, my eyes are red and puffy from the tears. My chest aches inside and out. I hate this. I want to be there with the family as they go through their grief. I want to comfort them, I want to say goodbye. One day I will in person, but for now I will write a letter. Trying to express my deepest sorrow and sympathy for the family. I push through the mess of the emotions going through me, knowing that it will get better. One day.

May you rest in peace with your love and family, Peter. I love you and miss you ❤