Heartline

The umbilical cord between us was severed 19yrs ago. But the line from your heart to mine, isn’t quite cut yet but it has been stretched and pulled over the years.

I always imagined this line between us that could never be cut or demolished in any way. I would always feel you and you’d always feel me. I was so certain that it would be this way forever.

Now that line has been well tested for sure. Through the ups and downs of our shared life together and our lives when we were separated.

It was pulled and twisted over and over again. It was run over, set ablaze and still managed to come out intact. I’ve always felt you. At times I could feel your sadness, your heartbreak, and your happiness. Over the years it has waned. Maybe the distance between us made it weaker, but it was always there. Though as I moved closer in miles to you whether I knew it or not, the signal seemed to get weaker.

Its been so many years, my love for you, has never once gone away or lessened one bit. You have my heart forever

But I have been unsure of your end. Not being able to be with you or near You, I am always in the dark with everything related to you. Especially your feelings towards me. As you grew up I suppose it was what I feared the most, that you felt anger or worse, nothing for me.

I was and am still afraid of not being part of your life some how, I can’t imagine losing you again, but realize that it could happen.

When I found You, I couldn’t have been happier, but I’ve always stayed on the perimeter. Nearby but still outside. A choice I believed with all my heart was the right one. You needed time, I tell my heart. A little bit longer.

But lately I haven’t felt you that much. Today I broke down and cried, so afraid I was losing you again. True there is a new line attached to my heart but as a mother, I am capable of many lines.

It doesn’t mean I love you any less than the day we met, in fact I like to think it only strengthened my love for you. You are always my first. No one can take that away. But I feel like more and more you are moving away instead of towards me.

See I always thought it was you way back to me. Just like the bread crumbs, only this wouldn’t get eaten by birds, you could find your way home to me.

All the tangles, twists and turns make it hard. So much so, that maybe you figure whats the point, why go to all the trouble? Maybe you feel the weight and feel its holding you back? I don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling but I can feel you pulling away.

My own heart is breaking, at the thought of this. I keep praying that I will once more feel that familiar pulse that is your heart. That one day all the stretching will go away. That the distance will go away.

But I caution myself and my heart. I wuestion whether or not I made the right decisions with regards to you? To staying away? To everything? Although I believe every thing happens for a reason, and in its own time, it’s sometimes hard to feel this is true. I second guess myself lots.

I try to calm that achy feeling, and tell myself to slow down, to not read too deep into these feelings. To give you time and space. My heart fights back. Tired of always waiting on the sidelines, it wants instant gratification, which I understand.

But this is the long game. Forever. I slow my heart and try to fix the ache. I collect my thoughts and feelings and push them down even further. Trying to forget them. I tell myself it will work out just be patient.

In the meantime I hold that heart line as if it were gold, more precious than anything. I hold onto it just hoping for even the faintest of pulses. Telling me you’re still there.

I love and miss you with all my heart. My love for you as a mother has never wavered or dissipated and never will. I will continue to be patient and wait for that day. I will never stop waiting. 💗💗💗

Coming back

It seems like forever since I have written anything. Clearly almost a year has passed since I last posted anything. Not necessarily because I had nothing to say, but mostly things happened and I chose to deal with them privately until there was a time I was okay putting it out into the world.

Things have changed over the past year. Some major changes as well as some minor ones as well. Since last writing some family has passed away. For me it was a shock and I definitely needed some time. The people who passed were my aunt and uncle. The very ones who adopted my son. Both got sick and passed way to soon for any of us, but sooner for others.

The decision to keep it private was mostly for their sakes, and well for my son as well. The family needed time to grieve. I needed time. Both losses were hard for me, I seem to have a legacy of leaving things unsaid and with these two especially I didn’t want the same but circumstances as they were, the universe had its own plans.  When my uncle passed it was hard, but for me personally it was his wife’s passing that was more difficult. Plus feeling it was happening and not being able to do anything once again made it worse.

Although the connection was so many years ago, it was not easy. Fifteen years had passed since I was able to speak to my aunt. So much had happened in that time, good and bad, and everything in between. I happened to call home for some reason, and was shocked to hear that quite a few family members were in the hospital at the same time. When I found out whom, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew instinctively the moment I heard her name it was bad, that this was it, my last chance. I am still crying over her loss. What sucked was maybe a day before I had purchased a plane ticket to go home and visit before Christmas. I couldn’t change my tickets. I was running out of time. I so badly wanted to be able to see her before I couldn’t.

I arrived on a Sat, she passed on the Monday. She didn’t want visitors and it just about killed me to hear that. At first I just thought it a cruel ploy to keep me away, boy was I mad. Then slowly I realized it may of really been her wish, and how could I go against it? Days before coming I wrote a letter to her, the last one I would write. She didn’t get that one, but one did get to her. thought it would have been better in person, it said what was important, that above everything I had nothing but gratitude and love for both of them, and what they had done for my family; for Micheal.

My heart kept on breaking that visit and for some time afterward. It still hurts. I’m still crying. I realized how much time was lost, for what? I couldn’t remember what everyone was fighting about anymore. Did it matter? Not really, and in my eyes, it desperately needed to stop. How many more people had to die before people would get it? My heart was heavy with thoughts of how it used to be, before all of this. Memories of staying at her house, camping out, the fires with marshmallows, the pancakes in the morning. If I was close to anyone in my family, it was her. From day one, we had this connection, I have trouble even now describing, but it was intense and special. There was no one like her, and she just understood me in a way not too many people got. Some of my most favorite memories are times I spent with her. To say I was devastated when we quit talking was putting it mildly. Now that she was gone, and there was no chance of fixing it, of the memories that could have been. There are no words that appropriately describe it.

My heart broke for my son. The universe seemed too cruel to him. Once again I found myself wanting to do anything to take the pain away for him, to shoulder that burden, but I know all to well, that is not how this works. I felt like a failure as a mother all over again. I couldn’t do anything right when it came to him. I wanted to run to him, to hold him, to beg for his forgiveness for putting him in this situation, but I couldn’t. Hell I doubt he’d want anything to do with me after this. If he wasn’t already mad at me, this surely would send him there. How did I know? He was part of me. Hell how could I forgive myself for this mess now?

I knew deep down once again that I had to walk the other way, at least for awhile. So I retreated into myself, and grieved in my own way, for all of them. For the family that was now broken, lost. For the relationships that could not come back, for the way life once was, I tried hard not to lose sight of the future which seemed so very uncertain but still so full of hope, that out of this there may be a silver lining, that one day he would come back to me, and the rest of the family that missed him so very much, in time.

In the meantime, there was a lot of other stuff that would hold my attention, a new chapter in my familys’ life. And right now, I had to do whatever I needed, to make sure that this part of my life came to fruition. But more about that later. So I healed in the ways I knew, I took the time to feel all of the emotions I was, and there was a lot, so many, and lots of complicated ones at that, sorting through that closet was not the easiest of tasks, and it would take a lot of soul searching, a lot of forgiveness. But in the end I was finally able to close the door on this chapter of my life, and get ready for the next adventure. ❤

when the universe talks, you better listen

I admit that I am one of the more stubborn people in the world. I come by it naturally it seems down familial lines. That being said even I have noticed I am slow to learn my life lessons, and have seen the same topic come up more than one time.

So paying attention to what the Universe is saying, has been a steep learning curve to say the least. I have not always been attuned to these messages, though I feel I am making some progress, as I seem to have gotten one message loud and clear.

A little while back now, I was feeling exhausted in every way possible, I was stressed out in a way no one should be, though I feel like there are a lot of us out there. My work became my life and I thought about it day and night, every waking moment I had and some while I slept. My body ached, I cried all the time and still that wasn’t enough to get me to listen.

One incident made me sit up and listen, and thank god I did get it, the alternative lesson that would come would be much worse, and I know that without a shadow of a doubt. The moment I got it, it was like my world changed and everything shifted, I noticed a difference right away. Was the Universe done, oh hells no!!! Again the Universe seemed to be screaming at me, and some big changes happened, without notice really. There was no time to think. But I found listening to that voice, those signs, has been the best move I have made in awhile.

I decided to move to another province on what seemed like a whim to my family and friends, but I think that unconsciously I had made that decision a long time ago, it just never made it to the inbox until recently. It wasn’t easy and man did  have my doubts. I squirmed this way and that way before finally making up my mind. I had just reconnected with some of my family and I was rather nervous about leaving. Guilt about my job and leaving my coworkers just about sent me back to the 7th level of hell, thankfully I never fell for it.

Leaving my friends and family is never easy, plus I seriously thought I was done with whole big move stuff. in one very short week, my life got turned upside down as I purged my stuff, said my goodbyes, packed my stuff and went on my way. I was terrified, I haven’t been too far from some type of family relations in awhile, not only that my mind kept coming up with every bad scenario possible. But in the end I knew this was part of my journey. I was following my path, and it was leading to my new home.

As scared as I was, I was happy to hear that my new family  were excited about my coming. It made things a little easier to adjust too. And honestly, they have been life savers in this respect. His family has welcomed me with open arms. They take me out with them, include me in things and make me feel like part of the family. I will forever be grateful to them for this.

The last few weeks, I don’t know, maybe I am more attuned to everything, but it seems to me, that I am definitely here for reason. The clearer it becomes, the more I see, how much I will be learning here. I am trying my best to be more open to this process and to really open up to seeing the different signs. I am learning lol. Things are starting to make sense, there is a lot of clicking going on. I am able to see the potential outcomes of these opportunities and lessons.

Take today for instance. one of my neighbors who is quickly becoming part of my tribe, asked me to go on a little day trip. I was up for an adventure, and looked forward to exploring. I had no clue just how important that little road trip would become in the end. I was just excited to get out plus seeing a bunch of peacocks roaming around, I was one happy camper :). We went not to far from home to a small town, it was beautiful there, so quiet, I immediately felt at home. then we saw part of what we came for, the peacocks. Omg so beautiful. I love these birds, so I was in bliss surrounded by them. We walked around town a bit visiting the few stores in town. The moment I walked into the first store, I knew I was not here by mistake. This most definitely was a sign. As we walked through the store, I certainly couldn’t miss all the little things, that were so similar to things I liked to do. Deep in my heart and my gut, I knew I better pay attention to this.

As we continued around town, it was like my mind was on fire. So many different thoughts, plans were going through my head. As we had lunch, we talked about different things, including possibilities. These visions were coming at me a lightning speed, and in full detail. More and more I felt aligned with my purpose here on earth. It was a lightbulb moment for sure. I still can’t believe it happened. a couple more shops and a tour through the town, I knew I belonged here or very close to there, The peacocks were calling me and I could hear them squawking from far away. I could hear them the moment we got into town.

The next stop was another small town, and another neat little shop, again full of messages, and signs. I’m quite drawn to both these places. The ride home my mind was just lit up with possibilities. I don’t think I have quite come down from that high, even hours later. There is no doubt in my mind, today was meant to happen, and the Universe was speaking.

For once I was listening with every part of me. I can’t say there haven’t been bumps or at least caution signs on this journey, there have been some pretty big pot holes. But I have never felt so sure about a decision. Even with those bumps and knowing that it could be just as bumpy or more so in the future, the feeling that I am in the right place has never been stronger. There have been days I wanted to tear out all my hair, ones where I worried like never before. Ones where I questioned everything. Ones where I broke down and cried. But even with all of that I know I came here for a reason, I see it clearer than day.  I am more resolute and steadfast in my being here. Though absolutely terrifying at times. There is a reason I am here and I don’t intend on leaving without doing what is intended for me to do.

I am at peace with myself like never before. I see the connections to my past, and the reasons I went through certain things, in a way I couldn’t see before. I feel like I am on my path, in the moment and exactly where I am supposed to be, Namaste ❤

💗

Its a moment that has been in the making for the last 14 years or so. No it’s not that moment but trust me it’s up there. At no point in my life if you told it would be a decade or so till you see your Grandma again, would I have believed you. but time flies, grudges stick, and the gap gets bigger, suddenly like nothing its been close to 15 years.

From the moment I came back home, seeing her has been on my list of things to do. Oh how I have missed her over the years, and its been the one thing I was / am excited about doing the most, next to of course that other reunion.

So when I came home and found the house so familiar to me empty, I was more than disappointed. I was devastated. It seemed like the universe or someone was keeping me from having that moment. I’ve tried many times over the years, only to be forgotten, passed on by, or just ignored. At least its how it felt. I felt like I was never going to see her alive again. I had to be okay with that. I wrote letters, that ended up being just a few scribbled words. ” Make sure she gets it and reads it” I said, thinking it may be the only time I get to say anything to her. With that I shuffled off, back into life and my routine.

I was happy when I heard she read it, happy it got said so to speak. But deep down I wanted more. She deserved more, and so did I. This was not how it would end. I stomped my foot, and shook my hand, as well as my head. I was resolute in this not being it. I would be a pain the ass if I had to, I was going to see her.

My persistence finally paid off, though I wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen, as dropped calls, straight to voicemails, had me feeling, I was being ignored once again. One more phone call. I didn’t want to seem pushy, but come on, time is of the essence here. Finally a time. A short hour away.

I haven’t been that nervous in quite awhile. As I stepped off the train, and started walking to the restaurant. My heart was beating quickly and memories flooded every space in my mind. Good ones, bad ones, sad ones. I had gone over what I would say, a million times throughout the day to day. I imagined every scenario, bad or good. My god could I do this. I saw my uncles vehicle stopped in the turning lane. It was real. It was happening.

My aunt and uncle came up and met me, hugging both of them for the first time in way too long. Tears had already started flowing, god i’m such a girl. We sat down for a bit and waited for the other parties, oh my god, they were coming, she was coming! I saw my mothers familiar vehicle through the window of the restaurant. My heart was nervous now. I saw my mom, then my grandma, I tried to hold myself together, as they came closer. My god I just wanted run to her. It has been far too long. Grandma sat down next me, and they got her jacket off, I leaned in and hugged her tightly, and said the words I waited so long to say ” I love you”.

I could barely get them out as I felt tears dribbling down my face. buck up I told my self, seriously you make us look like a fool. I looked around the table, I could barely remember the last time this happened. That there was this many of us together in the same room. I was ashamed, and I know I wasn’t the only one.

Over the next few hours, we looked at photos, and caught up with each others lives, so much had changed, kids grew up, marriages happened, grandkids, wow. It flies by so fast. Yet somehow it has stayed the same. It just felt like any other family dinner. It was like no time had passed.  I would catch glimpses of my Grandma as we talked, she was different, older, quieter. She was the same though, her voice sounded the same. Her eyes were the same. I could hardly keep it together. Only hours before, reliving the past in my mind, my heart ached with the painful memories, anger had begun to build. There was so much I wanted to say, needed to say, yet when I had my chance, it didn’t quite come out that way.

Over the years I have been through a lot, some minor things, some major, the ones that make you think about what is real, what is important in life. in my mind I have had this conversation a million times over, sometimes it didn’t go so well. As my body welled up with emotion that had been buried over the years, then burst in anger and hurt feelings.

What happened today certainly wasn’t how I figured it’d go, but how I hoped it would. in the midst of all this emotion, I saw the person I was meant to become. The one who has worked so very hard to clear my body and soul of the old, the painful, the anger. I have undergone therapy of many sorts, I write regularly, I cry all the time, I have forgiven. All because of this moment here. I wanted to come to it, the best version of myself. Not to spite or rub it anyone’s face, but because this is the person I want to be, the one, that after everything, can just sit and simply say I love you, and that be enough. No need for long diatribes, bringing up the painful past. I am no longer that girl. Sure though I may feel some of those feeling still, I can rise above it all, and be kind and gentle.

I do not know if I will see her again, although I truly hope I will, and I will continue to try, but as my aunt said to me today, you never know how long you have. So true. in those times where things became clearer, I saw the person I wanted to become, I wanted to be able to forgive, to love. I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to let 15 years pass by before I saw my family again. It was a conscious choice to let go, to forgive. But in the end what do we have left, what matters. To me it was and is love. So no matter what has happened in the past, how mad I was, how hurt I was, above all I wanted to let the people I care about the most, know that I still love them. I always have. And today, finally after so many years, and miles, I finally let one special lady know, just how much she meant to me. With tears in my eyes, and happiness and love in my heart I hugged my Grandmother as we said farewell, because it is not goodbye yet, as I intend to see her again, hopefully soon :). She said she didn’t want to be the cause of so many tears, I smiled and thought this is the best reason right now. It is a hug I have waited so long for and it was worth every minute of it. 💗💗💗

 

Renewal

In the last few weeks I have been undergoing an overhaul of sorts. It has been a rather confusing , and a very emotional time. Things being stirred up from the deepest, darkest places in both my soul and my heart.

It has made nights sleepless, and my days hard as I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I can feel the changes, as things have been released. There has been lots of releasing, which for me has meant lots of writing. My mind never seems to shut off and I feel like I could write a million pages. I have cried almost everyday for the past few weeks.. it is amazing that I still have so much to let go.

I feel my self growing and glowing as I go through this transformation. I feel more certain and resolute about my place on Earth. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am truly here for a reason. Just as my heart has begun to open a thousand fold, so have my eyes. I am much more aware of the bigger picture. I am able to see in all directions, how things are connected, how we all are connected.

I feel a power inside of me, I really haven’t felt before, it is love for sure. In all its forms. This has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have spent so many years searching for this very feeling. Grasping desperately at anything and everything thrown at me in hopes of finding this high. I have searched high and low for meaning in my life. I’ve spent endless hours agonizing over why I was still here? Why it seemed that God and the Universe just kept dumping crap on me constantly.

I cried that it was too much. That there was no way I could possibly survive what was being thrown my way. I’ve spent hours, days, months on my knees begging for it to stop. But all those twists and turns, bumps, lumps, pot holes and ditches thrown before me has led me here to this very time and place, this very moment in my life where I feel immense gratitude, peace and love.

I can hardly believe I am here. The tears running down my face as I write this now are ones of relief, of pride, of sacrifice, of the realization of the impossible. Of love. I know its only the beginning. There is much more healing, more love to come. I am in complete and utter awe, at just how much things have changed. How much I have changed. How I have grown in just a short amount of time. I am becoming the person I am meant to be. It is amazing. It is beautiful. The only time before this that I felt like this was the day my son was born. A life changing event in so many ways, indeed.

The words rebirth come to mind, as Easter has just passed I see an odd parallel. I feel like I am completely transformed, having shed the old body, the old me and revealing a newer, better, more authentic self. I am far from a religious person but for me personally these past few weeks have made me reevaluate my beliefs in great many things.

I know my work is hardly over. But for me to finally begin to seethe results of all my hard work, of everything I have gone through, fought for etc. It is a beautiful thing for sure. It gives me more hope for the future, it gives me  foundation to build on. It feeds my drive to push forward on my path. To do what is necessary, to have faith in me, the process and everything.

It doesn’t mean that I am unafraid as I move forward. It just means that I own it more. I am able to feel and recognize the feeling and emotions that come with it, then move past it. A lot quicker than before. That I am to trust more, that things will work out, in their own time. It teaches me to have patience and understanding for both my self and world around me.

In regards to my family, both immediate and extended these lessons play an integral role for me, but also for my family in the future. Having been able to truly forgive everyone, to live in the love that I have for them, it has allowed me to heal old wounds. deep as they may be, I was greatly surprised that this was even possible. Let alone how easy it seemed in the end. I will never forget what has happened or how it made me feel, or how it affected my life. But it was the strong love, the unconditional love I have deep inside my heart that allowed me to live in that space.

I try to focus on how much they mean to me. I am trying to focus on our future together and to try and make that a reality, with a lot of moving parts, stubborn hearts it seems at times an insurmountable endeavour.one, at various times I wanted to give up. But as I have been able to connect with my authentic self, as well as be able to see both forward and back, I can feel the connections that I have with these people.

I believe whole heartedly that this connection spans not only this lifetime but many others. It is that realization that makes it so I cannot just give up on them or us. For we have weathered many different obstacles over the lifetimes and yet we managed to stay together. Though now we may be separated by ego, hurt feelings, stubborn heads and even more so hearts. I believe that one day our family will be one again. I believe that we will be able to heal, one another, our selves. That the love we have for each other is not lost, but only hidden, masked by vines, trees, and roots, clouds, fog and what have you. That one day we will come together as one, and bring the light. That one day we will love once again.

It is this dream, this moment that I am working towards, The healing of my family, great and small. One day our love will heal our broken hearts. That we will stand together as one. ❤ ❤ ❤

Thank You

There are no words. Not enough anyway. It has been a long time since you and I have spoken. I  mean decades. How sad and disgusting is that? I want to cry as I write that, seriously it tears me up inside.

Today was not the day I expected it to be. It was so much better. Though I am not to sure if you would agree. Its been a day full of emotions, a lot of thinking, reflection, and much to my surprise release and forgiveness.

If anything I realized today just how important having faith is, how much my family means to me, how grateful I am, and how blessed I am. You are part of this. So much more than you know.

The silence between us has been far too great for far far too long. The thing is, I’m not sure what caused it. What did I say? What did I do? But it stops today. No more. This silence has caused nothing but pain, miscommunication, and so many unwanted things, and for what, so we can be right?

14 years ago a decision was made. It would change both of our lives. I am not sure how your end went, but I am pretty sure you win. But this isn’t about the past, and it could be. But I am taking a slightly different road today. This about what we have in common. whether we like it or not, the one thing we both love more than life itself. Our son.

Today I learned it takes a village, well one really screwed up family to raise one really amazing kid. It hurts, to think about, to feel it all over again, but in the end, no matter how pushed and prodded I felt into making that choice. I see now that it was most definitely the best one. For him, and quite frankly he is all that matters in the end.

Thank you for raising him. You did a good job.  I could not be prouder of the man he has become. And that is due to you. I have often questioned over the years, regretted, fretted and so many things, if it was the right choice. That question, those thoughts were all quelled today in one moment.

Thank you from the bottom of this most grateful heart for everything you have done for him. Thank you for listening to me, and raising him the way you did. He is amazing. I am so happy to see that he has had a good life, grew up right, and very much loved. I chose right in choosing you, so thank you.

You have no idea of just how much I love you, and in all truth neither did I until today. I had forgiven, released so much anger and hurt over the years. I thought I was done with it all, until today. I have always loved you, even amidst all those feelings. I have never stopped. I have sorely missed our conversations, and everything we used to do together. I am sorry, I am only telling you this now. Today a wave came over me and I truly let it all go, harboring no ill will, no bad feeling, not even a bit. Today I let it all go. I have nothing but respect and gratitude for you , and what you have done.

Years of bad feelings and hurt have kept me silent far too long. I am breaking that now. I only wish is that I get the chance to tell you in person. That you get to see the person I have become, to know me as I am now, and not what you remember. Your little bug finally grew up, though painful at times, and some really hard things. I hope you would be proud of me. I hope that you will sing at my wedding, and watch me walk down the aisle and that we all get to watch him, do all those things as well.

I love you so very much, and have missed you a great deal over the years. Thank you again for doing such a good job with him. I hope you are as proud of him as I am. thank you Auntie Katie and Uncle Emanuel for doing the job of a lifetime. Thank you for raising Micheal. I love you both ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Gemma

It is passed my bedtime, yet I am sitting here with tears running down my face. I am thinking about you. You have forever been in my heart and forever will be. As I know that is how a mothers’ love works.

You are on my mind lately, and was just thinking about you, as I often do. When the realization came that I am still carrying a lot of emotions about everything having to do with you.

Gemma my love,

My dear girl I am so sorry that we didn’t get to meet so many years ago, you would be almost 16 now, dating, driving, and in high school. It’s hard to believe that. but you aren’t here, and for that my dear sweet girl I am so sorry.

As a mother you are supposed to love and protect your children, nurture them. I could do neither. For sixteen long years I have lived in silence with anything having to do with you. Mostly because I was ashamed that I didn’t do better as your mother, that I couldn’t protect you, that I couldn’t nurture you properly.

Still in my womb you depended on me for everything, all those life giving nutrients, a nice, warm quiet place to grow. I failed you, my sweet child. The pain of losing you has never left my heart. You have never left me, even though I let you down. You even saved my life once or twice as my guardian angel.

I feel your touch, your spirit all around me. I know you are here with me, even now. But the guilt, shame, and pain I feel, has also never left. How could I forgive myself for letting you down, for not doing my job. For not being able to bring you here with me? For not giving you the life that you were meant to have.

The guilt of my transgressions against you, has sat like shackles around my heart. Walls were built, excuses made, lies told, just to make it better, But Gemma, nothing did. those shackles, slowly cut off circulation to my heart, slowly it began to die, and seriously I didn’t care. I would see you at night in my dreams as I slept, beautiful, kind, smart, all the things I knew you would be, standing in front of me. Then in an instant, just as the wind blew, you’d disappear. I watched you grow up in my dreams. But when I awoke, I felt the terrible dull ache in my broken heart, as the realization came far too quickly that you weren’t here.

I have tried for many years to forgive myself. But that guilt is one strong emotion. Its grip on me has gotten stronger throughout the years. When I lost your brother shortly after you my world fell apart, and I felt like the only one to blame was me. I should have done more, I theorized. If I ate better, if I didn’t run, if I didn’t do this, and I did that instead I would have my family. I would have you.

Shortly thereafter, your eldest brother left me too. Not in the same way, as you and your younger brother, but nonetheless he was gone too. Any reason for living had disappeared into thin air. I couldn’t cope, didn’t want to cope. I wanted to die,

It was then I started to see you. In my drunken pain, I’d see the sweetest little girl standing before me, trying to say something to me but I could never hear it. All I could do is watch, as my heart felt it was on fire. That was there to remind me of you. I couldn’t forget you even if I tried.

For years I have watched other peoples children grow up, my heart aching for my own kids. Wondering what was wrong with me, why was I not allowed to keep any of you. Was I that bad of a parent? That bad of a person? Those thoughts and feelings ruled both my heart and head. I spiraled downward very quickly at different points in my life. Convinced that I had done some horrible thing in a past life, was a horrible person who only had the pain of losing my children to live with. I was miserable, and wanted out so badly. I wanted to be with you so badly.

Can you forgive me, my sweet innocent girl? You once came to me, and told me that the timing was all wrong, it had to be as it was, as it is. For a bit that kind of made it go away, But not really. Although I do understand what happened, the reality of the situation, it doesn’t make me feel any less at fault. I should have fought harder, for not just you but your brothers as well. Why couldn’t I have been more stubborn, more bull-headed about you guys, why did I give up so easily?

Time has moved on, and passed me by. I have been able to heal in bits , here and there. But never fully. I felt like it was my duty to carry this burden, this guilt. To some degree I still do my love. I feel like if I don’t at least do that, it would mean that I would let you go, that I would forget you. That it would be like you were never part of me. And none of you deserve that.

I have grown a lot in the past few years. But yet one thing still remains, to forgive myself, and to finally let go of all that I have taken on. I am so afraid that if I do, I will never see or hear you again that, you and your siblings will leave me forever. That I will forever be alone. Now I know that this so from the truth. But yet I still hold back from releasing everything. That is until now,

I have found the impossible, at least it was to me. I found happiness, and love once again. I am writing this now, as my way to make amends with you, to let go of the pain and hurt I have harboured for so many years. To finally let go, and move forward with my life. To know that doesn’t mean you are gone, or forever lost to my heart. Because my loves, there is no way this Momma will ever not love you. But I have come to a point in my life where I wish to let the past, be just that. To unshackle my glued together heart, and finally let it breathe in all its glory, and love again.

I know that we will see each other again. We will be one, once again. I know that I can love you, not forget you and still move on. I love you all with ever fiber in my body, my heart and soul. So in this, the end of this note, I hope that you can find it with in your heart my love, to forgive me. And I will do the same.  Things happen in life that we can’t always explain, they don’t make sense and hurt an awful lot, but I believe there was a reason, and there is a right and wrong time for everything, and maybe it just wasn’t our time yet. So as I say goodbye, to the pain and hurt clouding my heart, remember that you never far from my mind or heart. I love you my dear child. I love you always, and forever, Your Mom ❤

from the heart

I madly scribbled down words. My pen felt as if it were flying. I was composing a letter to my grandmother. One that has been waiting to be written for so many years. I was going to write it all out and explain my side. I wanted her to understand what they had done to me. The consequences of their actions.

At first it started out fine, but as I put pen to paper yesterday, all that seemed to be coming out was blanketed in a heavy layer of anger. After writing 10 pages or so I had to put down the pen. My eyes puffy, my face tear streaked, my heart felt heavy and sad. This is not what I wanted to do.

I stepped away and slowly fell asleep. Thinking of everything, the past, the present and the future. My heart ached as I thought of my little boy. My heart broke as I thought of my family. I am determined to end this now.

I am exhausted. Mentally and physically I’m done. I’m done with the fighting, the hurt and pain. I want my family back and come hell or high water I am going to do everything possible to get us back.

For every ones sake this needs to stop. It is doing none of us any favours. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of it. I miss my family more than anything. So in an attempt to fix this, I wrote it all out, everything I thought I needed to say to her,  to you.

I came back to it today. The words came easier, everything seemed to flow so easily. I thought this is it. This is the letter I need. Then I stopped. I took a break. I found some pictures. Old ones, of us before all of this mess. Before everything broke, before we broke.

The tears ran down my face. it was like a waterfall in here. The last 14 years just fell into my lap. Every emotion that has been bottled up, hiding came rushing out of me. Good and bad it was out on the table in front of me.

I went back to the letter, I crumpled it up. As I looked at picture of myself at two years old walking in the creek behind my great grandparents house in NH holding my grandmothers hand, tears streamed down my face, I picked up my pen and scribbled some words on a piece of paper

Much shorter than I expected. Especially from me. But honestly this right here, says everything and more. This is all I need her to know. Its all I need everyone to know. If there has been any lesson in my life, and I can tell you there have been many hard ones. But in the end this is what it all comes down to. Love.

The reason we fight, the reason we hurt, it all comes down to the fact that we love each other.  I cannot change what happened in the past. What is done, is done. We hurt the people we love the most, we disappoint them, and its those diasppointments and fights, that cut the deepest and scar us the most. But it also these people that teach us the most, well in this case they have.

Though I can’t change what happened, I can (we can) change how we react and move from this point on. I for one am choosing to move forward in love and forgiveness. I want to leave the past in the past. I want to break this cycle we are in. I want to have the family I remember back, or a newer nicer version.

I want to make memories with people I love again. I want the newest generation to have what we had. I want us to put everything aside, I want us to come together, and I truly hope we do, and come together as a family once again.

Family is precious, as is the time we have with them.  Every moment counts and I have lost so many moments to anger and pain. I want more filled with love and joy instead. I love you all and miss you terribly. ❤

sadness

Amidst the happiness of the other day, I got a text this morning as I was leaving “Call me”. My experience says these are never good conversations. by the time I got to train station, my gut and heart had an idea what might be happening. They were right. I was already trying to hold back the tears as I dialed the number, but as the words went into my year, my heart let out a yelp, and a deep guttural cry, as it sunk in. The man I regarded as my father in law, had passed. though it was not a huge surprise, it hurt deeply.

It brought up a tide of raw unyielding emotions. Ones I thought I was over with, had dealt with and were past feeling. I would go through a thousand emotions in seconds, and I am still fighting with them now.

At work I tried so hard to concentrate on work. Though my first room, didn’t help. The air felt thick and stale, it was filled with sadness, a man passed away earlier in the morning or late last night. I would’ve been okay if this morning hadn’t happened. But it had and my mind was going places, my heart was taking a trip down memory lane, and all I could do was cry. I cried for this unknown man, and his pain that was so great that caused him to take his life. I cried for the man who I just lost. I cried for my son.

After some crying, eventually getting the room done, I got angry. That anger raged inside of me like a forest fire eating everything in its way. I was angry at him, but what surprised me was the anger I had for my own kin. I cried angry tears as I fought this unwanted emotion throughout the day. I had forgiven these people. I moved on. now this was bringing it up again.

My day couldn’t end fast enough, then when it did I spent most of the time trying to avoid going home, because I knew once there I would think. I would feel. I would spend the night being sad, and crying. Maybe that is what is needed right now. I am trying to just go with it, to cry if I want, to feel the hurt and pain, the anger. I am trying not to hold onto it though. I want to be in it, but not forever.

The profound sadness I feel for my son is unlike anything I have felt to date. My heart breaks for him, all his grandparents on that side of the family are gone. He never got to meet them. I broke my promise to them. The one that held the most importance to me. I let them down, and I let him down. ;(

All I want to do is hold him, comfort him. Then a wave of anger washes over my heart as I think of who is responsible for this. I think about the pain I have endured over the years, the mess, the mess I will have to clean up. I get mad. I am surprised by this anger. I am unsure I want to be feeling this, afraid that it will be like releasing a caged animal into the wilderness, unhinged, wild and free. I am afraid of going back to places I don’t want to go. I try to feel it and move forward, but my heart grabs onto it, and won’t let go. wanting retribution, wanting revenge for everything.

I am better than that I tell my heart. I allow myself to feel the range of emotions. knowing this is healthy and needed. But I try to limit it to just this, I know I am in danger of taking this to a level I don’t want .

I spent to long being angry and hurt. Living in the darkness of my heart. I dwelled in that space for far too long, and I don’t want to look back. I am a different person now. I owe it to myself and everything I have done to escape that place, those emotions, to do things differently this time.

A wave sadness rushes over me, as I look at the little boy in the picture. I have to be strong. For him. The tears are flowing down my already raw face. burning as they reach my chin. I close my eyes and try to steady my thumping heart. Memories come flooding back. The last conversation. The first time I met him. When I came home after all those years. My heart aches for this family.

I know he is in a better place, with his beloved wife, who passed years before. Its the only place he wanted to be. The love between them was something else. I hope that I will experience that. My heart, my soul is happy, smiling knowing they are finally together, all together. I am sad for my son. That he won’t get to know them as I have, that he will never meet them in person.

The anger in me is growing as I think of my family. What was taken from my son, just so they could be right, or to have their way. For all the understanding that I have, I don’t understand this. I am trying not to wallow in this pool. I push the thoughts out, and I pray. I meditate asking for guidance. Asking for peace. I try to settle my heart down. I try to control my emotions. But the tears keep falling.

We didn’t always get along, or agree with each other. But this man had nothing but love for me and my son. He comforted me when he could, the best he could, when I needed it, when I fell apart. He loved us. I will never forget that. I always considered him my father in law even though his son and I never married. I stayed close to them after he died, for my son mostly, but maybe a little for me too. He, they, his wife and him brought me comfort in a way that others couldn’t. I feel bad because the one promise I wanted; no needed to keep, I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried. I still couldn’t do it. I feel as I let them down and I let my boy down.

My face hurts, my eyes are red and puffy from the tears. My chest aches inside and out. I hate this. I want to be there with the family as they go through their grief. I want to comfort them, I want to say goodbye. One day I will in person, but for now I will write a letter. Trying to express my deepest sorrow and sympathy for the family. I push through the mess of the emotions going through me, knowing that it will get better. One day.

May you rest in peace with your love and family, Peter. I love you and miss you ❤

Dissolution

This morning as I sat eating my pancakes and coffee on the deck my phone bleeped and I casually looked at it, a message in my inbox wishing me a Happy 7th Anniversary. How kind of them. Its really today? Oh?!

Time flies when you’re having fun. Its a sad day, sort of. This is the year I came to the conclusion I am ready to dissolve this marriage for real. Its hard part of my heart is screaming at me No, No , No, patiently waiting for hell to freeze over and for him to come back. But do I want him back? I love him.  I love him as a wife should love her husband and God knows he got more chances than anyone should. But I am no longer in love with him. No that ended years ago, even without me noticing it.

Maybe it was when he walked out and away? Maybe it was when he didn’t come see me in the hospital? Maybe it was the day he yelled at with anger in his eyes towards me? But one day I fell out of love with him. Maybe it was the unbearable pain of a devastated heart as it broke? I don’t know. But I do know that I moved on. I loved others even though my heart ached and was in pieces. It healed, it got broken again, as these things sometimes happen.

Out of the darkness and despair, I found my strength, and myself, but more importantly my love for myself. The other day as I read this book, I began to ponder my marriage. Why?  Couldn’t I have done without all this pain? I waited 30 yrs to get my heart destroyed? A deep feeling of calm came over me, as I knew deep inside as I have always known, this was supposed to happen. not only for me but for him. We both needed it. to learn to become who we were inevitably going to become. this was part of our journey.

I am grateful for the experience, mostly rough, it had good times and he ended up teaching me about unconditional love. Funny how that works. You are tricky, Universe. I will always love him and am grateful for all the time we did have together, although ultimately short, but nonetheless worth every minute of it. I suppose that I possibly always knew it would be short and sweet. When it ended although angry, that only lasted a short time, I was mostly sad at being short changed. I felt sad for him. I had this understanding and was easily able to forgive him. Me, on the other hand, well that is a work in progress still.

I allowed my self to go through all the emotions, I felt them all deeply, some were harder than others to wade through, Some swallowed me whole and didn’t let me go easily. But I made it to the other side. I came out with a new appreciation for me, for him and what we had, and I am ready to let it go, to let it be the past.  I am ready to say goodbye. To you , to us.  I do this in love for us both. I wish you nothing but happiness and truly hope you find it one day.

I sit here writing this, I smile excited about what lay ahead of me. This could be the one. The one, I have been waiting for, the one I have been working  through all this stuff to get to. He makes my heart bloom, he gives me butterflies, he makes me smile. Its amazing to feel like this again. He is exactly what I need, when I need it. I look forward to growing with him and seeing where this journey takes us. He has probably 80% of the time seen me looking well, hella scary , no makeup, bags under my eyes, hair in a rats nest on top of my head. I look like a mom with about 6 two year olds. He still tells me I am beautiful everyday. I think he is crazy. He has no qualms about rubbing my sore , tired feet after work, without telling me to shower first. He loves the way I smell, even when I know I smell like I just came from the gym. True love? I think so, if he is truly willing love me like this, I think I got a winner! To be fair, I feel the same about him.

I haven’t wanted to let another person in, to want to let down my walls, to let him see me when I am most vulnerable. Although he hasn’t yet, I am willing and open to this. I want him to know all of me. I am excited and scared. I am ready to finally leave my past in the past and finally close that chapter and begin a new one.

So on this auspicious day I am ready to move forward, with some tears sure, but mostly with excitement and joy in my heart. ❤