Unbearable sadness

It’s bubbling up from the deepest depths of my heart, stashed away, seemingly long forgotten until this moment in time.

Triggered by a loss of a friend , way too soon. I find myself covered in tears, remembering old times, old lives which seem a million lifetimes away. Looking at old pictures, the memories flood back, the good, the bad and incredibly sad ones. I want to be anywhere but here. The tv turned up to mask, the uncontrollable sobbing, as I live through the moment.

Trying to quiet the sobs, as I remember the pain and anger, that doesn’t feel like a memory, even after all these years. I am still so angry, so sad, so hurt. Which surprises me in a way. Will it ever go a way?

Sadly it’s not just your memories this unearths. Others too. A place I’d rather not visit too often. I try to hold back the tears, I need to sleep I tell myself, instead of writing, instead of this current form of torture I’m putting myself through.

Unfortunately I know better, I know that I need to let it out, in order for it to be healed, to pass. My heart feels as it’s breaking all over again, with the same intensity as those moments. I’m not sure I can take it again. The loss.

I need a hug, but there are only pillows beside me tonight. I look online for someone to talk too, but it’s late, my true friends are asleep, best not bother anyone. I am strong, I remind myself silently. I don’t need anyone. But I do. This time I do.

That would have been you, if you were around, but you’re not. You’ve missed many conversations, so many things. I’m angry I can’t just call you. I can’t talk when I need you. I’m angry you are gone.

I’m angry because I still fight and on days like today I wonder why. I wonder why I have to be so strong, why I can’t just let go like everyone else around me. Why am I still here and you are not? It’s a dangerous game I play tonight, thankfully it’s just thoughts, nothing more. Doesn’t mean it’s easy or a walk in the park. But it will pass I hope.

Hopefully soon it will become a memory like everything else, and I can move on, but for now, this is my reality. So I find a sad movie to watch, this requires a deep dive, an all out cry fest. It’s been awhile since I’ve had one.

I take out my favorite pictures and crawl inside my heart where my memories of you are kept. I go back in time what seems like a million years, only a couple of decades or so, maybe less. But it feels like yesterday. That summer full of chaos and fun. It changed my life that summer. Then that new year. Not so great huh? Lots of fond memories. I miss you.

I miss the way we were, our friendship. I miss talking to you. Damnit why aren’t you here? I hate that you left. I hate the mess that was left, when you went away. I hate that you feel so far away.

It’s been a long time, I wish you knew what you did to us, the ones that are left. I know that for you it wasn’t easy, there was lots of stuff going on, clearly now, you were in a great deal of pain, that couldn’t be expressed for whatever reason. Pain that grew until it couldn’t anymore, and just exploded.

But we weren’t left unscathed. I stayed in touch as much as I could, but it was hard. I felt awful, because I’m sure me being around,  made them remember you in better times, or maybe it was me that was reminded, but over time the distance got greater.

I can only speak for myself, but those first years weren’t easy. Full of anger and tears. One day I would be so sad, other days or maybe even that same day I’d be so angry. Angry at you for leaving, angry for everyone who loved you. I wish I knew why? Why you felt like you were alone in this world? You had so many people who loved and cared for you. Any of us would’ve been there if you only asked. All of us would give anything for another moment with you. Another hug, conversation, hell even another fight. Anything to bring you back.

A dream for sure. I want you know that you were so loved. That you mattered to so many. That you mattered to me. I’m sorry if I let you down. If I wasn’t there when you needed me. I will always regret that, that I didn’t see it, that I couldn’t have helped more. I’ve tried to take care of those you left. To be there, to hold them, to be the shoulder to cry on, or whatever else they needed. I’ve tried to do right by you. I wish you peace and rest. I hope you are with loved ones, I hoped you got to heal. You are missed dearly. We love you 💗

Coming back

It seems like forever since I have written anything. Clearly almost a year has passed since I last posted anything. Not necessarily because I had nothing to say, but mostly things happened and I chose to deal with them privately until there was a time I was okay putting it out into the world.

Things have changed over the past year. Some major changes as well as some minor ones as well. Since last writing some family has passed away. For me it was a shock and I definitely needed some time. The people who passed were my aunt and uncle. The very ones who adopted my son. Both got sick and passed way to soon for any of us, but sooner for others.

The decision to keep it private was mostly for their sakes, and well for my son as well. The family needed time to grieve. I needed time. Both losses were hard for me, I seem to have a legacy of leaving things unsaid and with these two especially I didn’t want the same but circumstances as they were, the universe had its own plans.  When my uncle passed it was hard, but for me personally it was his wife’s passing that was more difficult. Plus feeling it was happening and not being able to do anything once again made it worse.

Although the connection was so many years ago, it was not easy. Fifteen years had passed since I was able to speak to my aunt. So much had happened in that time, good and bad, and everything in between. I happened to call home for some reason, and was shocked to hear that quite a few family members were in the hospital at the same time. When I found out whom, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew instinctively the moment I heard her name it was bad, that this was it, my last chance. I am still crying over her loss. What sucked was maybe a day before I had purchased a plane ticket to go home and visit before Christmas. I couldn’t change my tickets. I was running out of time. I so badly wanted to be able to see her before I couldn’t.

I arrived on a Sat, she passed on the Monday. She didn’t want visitors and it just about killed me to hear that. At first I just thought it a cruel ploy to keep me away, boy was I mad. Then slowly I realized it may of really been her wish, and how could I go against it? Days before coming I wrote a letter to her, the last one I would write. She didn’t get that one, but one did get to her. thought it would have been better in person, it said what was important, that above everything I had nothing but gratitude and love for both of them, and what they had done for my family; for Micheal.

My heart kept on breaking that visit and for some time afterward. It still hurts. I’m still crying. I realized how much time was lost, for what? I couldn’t remember what everyone was fighting about anymore. Did it matter? Not really, and in my eyes, it desperately needed to stop. How many more people had to die before people would get it? My heart was heavy with thoughts of how it used to be, before all of this. Memories of staying at her house, camping out, the fires with marshmallows, the pancakes in the morning. If I was close to anyone in my family, it was her. From day one, we had this connection, I have trouble even now describing, but it was intense and special. There was no one like her, and she just understood me in a way not too many people got. Some of my most favorite memories are times I spent with her. To say I was devastated when we quit talking was putting it mildly. Now that she was gone, and there was no chance of fixing it, of the memories that could have been. There are no words that appropriately describe it.

My heart broke for my son. The universe seemed too cruel to him. Once again I found myself wanting to do anything to take the pain away for him, to shoulder that burden, but I know all to well, that is not how this works. I felt like a failure as a mother all over again. I couldn’t do anything right when it came to him. I wanted to run to him, to hold him, to beg for his forgiveness for putting him in this situation, but I couldn’t. Hell I doubt he’d want anything to do with me after this. If he wasn’t already mad at me, this surely would send him there. How did I know? He was part of me. Hell how could I forgive myself for this mess now?

I knew deep down once again that I had to walk the other way, at least for awhile. So I retreated into myself, and grieved in my own way, for all of them. For the family that was now broken, lost. For the relationships that could not come back, for the way life once was, I tried hard not to lose sight of the future which seemed so very uncertain but still so full of hope, that out of this there may be a silver lining, that one day he would come back to me, and the rest of the family that missed him so very much, in time.

In the meantime, there was a lot of other stuff that would hold my attention, a new chapter in my familys’ life. And right now, I had to do whatever I needed, to make sure that this part of my life came to fruition. But more about that later. So I healed in the ways I knew, I took the time to feel all of the emotions I was, and there was a lot, so many, and lots of complicated ones at that, sorting through that closet was not the easiest of tasks, and it would take a lot of soul searching, a lot of forgiveness. But in the end I was finally able to close the door on this chapter of my life, and get ready for the next adventure. ❤

sadness

Amidst the happiness of the other day, I got a text this morning as I was leaving “Call me”. My experience says these are never good conversations. by the time I got to train station, my gut and heart had an idea what might be happening. They were right. I was already trying to hold back the tears as I dialed the number, but as the words went into my year, my heart let out a yelp, and a deep guttural cry, as it sunk in. The man I regarded as my father in law, had passed. though it was not a huge surprise, it hurt deeply.

It brought up a tide of raw unyielding emotions. Ones I thought I was over with, had dealt with and were past feeling. I would go through a thousand emotions in seconds, and I am still fighting with them now.

At work I tried so hard to concentrate on work. Though my first room, didn’t help. The air felt thick and stale, it was filled with sadness, a man passed away earlier in the morning or late last night. I would’ve been okay if this morning hadn’t happened. But it had and my mind was going places, my heart was taking a trip down memory lane, and all I could do was cry. I cried for this unknown man, and his pain that was so great that caused him to take his life. I cried for the man who I just lost. I cried for my son.

After some crying, eventually getting the room done, I got angry. That anger raged inside of me like a forest fire eating everything in its way. I was angry at him, but what surprised me was the anger I had for my own kin. I cried angry tears as I fought this unwanted emotion throughout the day. I had forgiven these people. I moved on. now this was bringing it up again.

My day couldn’t end fast enough, then when it did I spent most of the time trying to avoid going home, because I knew once there I would think. I would feel. I would spend the night being sad, and crying. Maybe that is what is needed right now. I am trying to just go with it, to cry if I want, to feel the hurt and pain, the anger. I am trying not to hold onto it though. I want to be in it, but not forever.

The profound sadness I feel for my son is unlike anything I have felt to date. My heart breaks for him, all his grandparents on that side of the family are gone. He never got to meet them. I broke my promise to them. The one that held the most importance to me. I let them down, and I let him down. ;(

All I want to do is hold him, comfort him. Then a wave of anger washes over my heart as I think of who is responsible for this. I think about the pain I have endured over the years, the mess, the mess I will have to clean up. I get mad. I am surprised by this anger. I am unsure I want to be feeling this, afraid that it will be like releasing a caged animal into the wilderness, unhinged, wild and free. I am afraid of going back to places I don’t want to go. I try to feel it and move forward, but my heart grabs onto it, and won’t let go. wanting retribution, wanting revenge for everything.

I am better than that I tell my heart. I allow myself to feel the range of emotions. knowing this is healthy and needed. But I try to limit it to just this, I know I am in danger of taking this to a level I don’t want .

I spent to long being angry and hurt. Living in the darkness of my heart. I dwelled in that space for far too long, and I don’t want to look back. I am a different person now. I owe it to myself and everything I have done to escape that place, those emotions, to do things differently this time.

A wave sadness rushes over me, as I look at the little boy in the picture. I have to be strong. For him. The tears are flowing down my already raw face. burning as they reach my chin. I close my eyes and try to steady my thumping heart. Memories come flooding back. The last conversation. The first time I met him. When I came home after all those years. My heart aches for this family.

I know he is in a better place, with his beloved wife, who passed years before. Its the only place he wanted to be. The love between them was something else. I hope that I will experience that. My heart, my soul is happy, smiling knowing they are finally together, all together. I am sad for my son. That he won’t get to know them as I have, that he will never meet them in person.

The anger in me is growing as I think of my family. What was taken from my son, just so they could be right, or to have their way. For all the understanding that I have, I don’t understand this. I am trying not to wallow in this pool. I push the thoughts out, and I pray. I meditate asking for guidance. Asking for peace. I try to settle my heart down. I try to control my emotions. But the tears keep falling.

We didn’t always get along, or agree with each other. But this man had nothing but love for me and my son. He comforted me when he could, the best he could, when I needed it, when I fell apart. He loved us. I will never forget that. I always considered him my father in law even though his son and I never married. I stayed close to them after he died, for my son mostly, but maybe a little for me too. He, they, his wife and him brought me comfort in a way that others couldn’t. I feel bad because the one promise I wanted; no needed to keep, I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried. I still couldn’t do it. I feel as I let them down and I let my boy down.

My face hurts, my eyes are red and puffy from the tears. My chest aches inside and out. I hate this. I want to be there with the family as they go through their grief. I want to comfort them, I want to say goodbye. One day I will in person, but for now I will write a letter. Trying to express my deepest sorrow and sympathy for the family. I push through the mess of the emotions going through me, knowing that it will get better. One day.

May you rest in peace with your love and family, Peter. I love you and miss you ❤

Strength

I am trying to prepare myself. To be strong. Though I am not sure that I am doing it well enough. Everyday seems harder and harder. Everyday I wonder is this the day?

I have probably talked about him, the end seems closer and closer. Something in my gut is scresming at me to batten down the hatches, because its coming.

As I write this, I am teary-eyed. I know deep down it will be soon. I am sad for him, I am scared for me. I hope I will do right by him. I worry it won’t be enough. I worry I won’t be there.

I chatted with him for a few moments as I was leaving today. He told me of another incident, but I had already heard. As I talked to him and as I listened, I kept thinking ” its going to be soon isn’t it? I need to be strong”

The signs, I see them. But how does one prepare for this. I am no nurse, not a healthcare worker, this is not in my job description. But yet I pray, that itvwill be me that finds him, when his time is up.

I want to find him because I care. Because I know him, I talk to him. But I am scared because of these same things. But I feel like at least if its me, it won’t be some heart less ordeal.

I have personally never had this happen to me. I have lost people my age, ex partners. But I never found them. I want to be there because hopefully I will be able to honor his wishes and treat him with some dignity.

I will miss him. Our little chats in the hallway. Until then I listen and take in every moment with him because I know much sooner than I would like, he will be gone.

Praying for strength. Praying for him. 💙

 

A little bit of pride, a lot of sympathy, some understanding.

This week has been exciting at work. Not in the best way. I have never met the person, or anything but the commotion at work has led me to a few thoughts. One, I am proud of myself. Not in boastful, annoying way but in a humble way, in a way I do not usually allow for myself.

I am proud that I can say that I am not in their shoes anymore. For three consecutive days the emergency services were called. There is a guest who is apparently going through a rather tough time right now, and has been asking for help, for someone to talk too. Because it’s overwhelming and becoming unbearable. Life

I do not know the particulars and honestly it’s none of my business. But I do care and I do understand. I understand their pain. How much it has to hurt to do that to one’s self. I hope and pray for them to find the help they need to stay alive and grow stronger from this moment.

I have come home every day and cried for this person, a stranger I do not know, but one who can sympathize with. I was reminded of all that I have come through over the years. Out all of that, I am able to smile, if only slightly in the acknowledgement that I am still here.

Its a proud, humble moment for me. One overshadowed by the fact that there are people who are struggling so much, asking for help and not always getting it. Not because there isn’t help but because the system us overwhelmed and not prepared for the needs of the population.

It took a couple of times but I rhink the person may have been able to admitted somewhere to receive the help that they need. I pray for them everyday. I pray for their strength to move through and past this and to become stronger because of it. I pray for their happiness and their health.

I would never wish any of this on any one. I was so lucky that people paid attention to the signs, that there were places and people who I could access to help me get through it.

It was not always the easiest road, and to be honest is something that hasn’t gone away completely. I struggle. When things get hard or overwhelming and all seems lost, I fight to stay strong and keep going, even though everything inside of me is crying in pain and just wanting it to end. It is my hardwst fight but my most important, I am fighting for my life. My future.

I am happy and proud to say that for me those times are becoming further and further apart. I have had to be reschooled in a few things, especially with the way I deal with things. Somedays are harder than others for sure. Some days I am too tired and tired of fighting. But most days I can find my way through that darkness.

I can honestly say I don’t want to die anytime soon, and I will do what I can to prevent that from happening.

I take the steps needed, sometimes that is opening up to strangers in the form of therapy, or sometimes taking medication to help me with feelings and things I cannot always control.

Its hard to feel out of control, overwhelmed, and alone. I know that for me I tend to go into seclusion when I start feeling like that.  Its hard for me to be around people when I feel like that. As strange as it sounds, as I pour my heart out on an empty page for the world and all these strangers to read and to judge. It is hard for me to open up sometimes.

So I write, I scribble mad and angry words on paper, I cry, I talk to God or whoever is listening. I go for a long walk or run. Sometimes it is not enough and I have to find a Dr.

I am grateful that I have been able to find help when I needed it. I can only wish that for anyone who needs it. Use the hotlines if needed. Do what you need to find help and to keep moving forward. Because there is someone in your life who loves you and would very much miss you if you were to be gone suddenly.❤

 

I wish this next month would just hurry up and disappear. Usually Christmas is my favorite time of year  but these last few years ie decade it has not. I thought maybe this year would be ok but with recent losses in the family I am quite sure it will be difficult.

For years it was bad my sons father died shortly after Xmas  and it made me so sad. Instead of filled with warm memories as it should be it is filled with sad tears and broken hearts because someone is missing.

All those family get together a don’t seem right anymore and I just want to stay in bed and cry.

With time the wounds healed a little and Xmas wasn’t so bad especially when I had people to celebrate with. Last year I spent it at my boyfriends bedside praying he would live.

He survived but I am not sure we did. He is going home for a long-awaited visit with his kids and I am very happy for him, but  that leaves me alone. I will see some of my family and we will make the best of it but it’s not the same without the ones who are gone.

My family sadly lost quite a few this year and I know I am not the only one whose heart will be aching for someone gone too soon.

I want to be alright and to enjoy the season and those around me but I can’t help but miss those who are gone. My heart aches for those I lost what seems like eons ago but now with close relative losses it is hard to keep my mind off them.

I am always thinking of my son this time of year and this year is no different. I miss him terribly and my heart yearns and aches for him. I feel he is near but yet so far away.

This year more than moat I feel I should be back home in my other home with my family there.

With so any losses so close together it will surely be a hard one. So be kind this time of year. With all the hustle and bustle and sheer madness in the malls we forget what is important . We are tired and wore our from all the marathon shopping and wrapping sessions we lash out because of parking spots and line cutters and many other things,  but for so many people this is a rough time filled with tears and sadness and grief. So remember to take a deep breath and let the moment pass because that minute irritation could break someone’s spirit whose heart is aching with the pain of a lost one.

Big hugs to all those missing someone this season. Breath deep and look around you and be thankful for those who are around you right now. It’s hard to not live in the past but it’s not what they would want. Enjoy the moments and love always the ones who are here. Be sad and remember those who have past but don’t dwell there. Easier said then done for sure but they want us to be happy and live rather than sad and missing out. Hug your family and friends and let them know how much they mean to you. 💖

One night

I write about a lot of things on here but this is something I don’t write about, it’s harder for me to write about, it’s one of the more private things in my life.

But today for some reason I feel compelled to write about it…. Not sure why or what this will do, or if I will even post it, but writing is cathartic for me , so even just the act will release this burden from my body.

I was talking with a girl from work and I said it just like that, didn’t even think about it, she looked at me stunned and turned around and asked me how I could just say it nonchalantly, like it wasn’t anything.

I have been talking about these things with therapists off and on for years, I guess it doesn’t phase me anymore, well that’s not right, it does, I still have nightmares, and have anxiety over it. It affects my life everyday, I just don’t notice it much anymore.

I was out with people from work, we were at a bar, drinking having fun, I never knew how much that night would change my life, and who I was. I lost them, I was looking all over for them and couldn’t find them, they must’ve left. I looked at the time bar was closed and I needed to find a way home. I called some friends but it was 3 am, my next choice was a cab, I wasn’t too keen on it, actually I was terrified, some guy next to me asked to borrow my phone, I let him.

He then asked if I needed a ride, I felt a little relieved I didn’t have to take a cab, I should have walked away, but decided in my drunken theory that this was a good idea.

I was told we’d drop one of the people off and then they’d take me home. I must’ve been so drunk, but not drunk enough to realize that the turn made after dropping said person off was the wrong one.

I was beginning to panic, I started to ask why we weren’t going in the opposite direction, I was told that we’d be dropping another friend off first. Okay??? Still not making any sense I went with it. Meanwhile the driver kept talking to me, I don’t remember the conversation, but do remember him asking if I thought he was cute, umm sure, I guess, not really…..what do I say?

We arrived at our next destination, clearly this would have been an optimal time to get the hell out, but lets face it, in the inebriated condition I was in, it wasn’t happening. It was suggested that I get out and come into house, the driver citing he was tired and needed a break. OMG how damn gullible could I be? Apparently quite. Get the hell out there!!!!

The one we dropped off quickly faded away into his room and I was left with the driver. I mentioned that I really needed to get home, my son would be waking up, I just really needed to go. Clearly that didn’t work, I tried another way, but saw frustration rising instead. Drop it, I told myself. We chatted some more. OMG I just want to leave. Just leave you stupid girl. Clearly still not sober enough to do anything about it, I continued to chat about the military and stuff, great he had been in the military. Good to know.

At some point the driver wanted to take a cat nap and it was suggested that I join him. A little more nudging, and the sight of the knife under the bed quickly made my decision. I started to pray at that moment. In my gut, as much I wanted it to be the alcohol, I knew it was my gut, something was very wrong now. My body froze. My mind went somewhere else. The last thing I pictured was my little boy asleep at home, I silently begged God to let me live and go back to him.

My body shut down, I couldn’t move and I don’t remember too much, kind of a fog to protect me I guess. I know that he removed my clothes and got on top of me, did what he was going to do, and rolled off me, he was asleep in seconds apparently exhausted, I nudged him a couple of times to make sure he was asleep, I pulled on my clothes, grabbed my shoes and finally got the hell out of there. I had know clue where I was, just that we had passed at 7-11. I ran down some dark alleyway to the main road. Tears burning as they streaked my face. I fumbled with my phone trying to find a cab number. I was heading to the 7-11 to wait for the cab, when my worst fear happened as I saw the car again, I hid behind something as he drove past me. I saw the cab drive by too, F@#$ could it get any worse? The cab needed to hurry up, he’d be back soon I knew he was out looking for me. Finally in the cab, he asked where I was going, I told him and he snickered and said it would be expensive. What the hell. Seriously just drive.

I got home and ran too the shower. I turned the water on and just cried. I scrubbed myself raw, I wanted to rip my skin off, and anything else he touched. I crawled into bed with my little boy and just held him and silently cried.

The next few months were a blur. Every time I went anywhere I thought I was being followed. I would see a vehicle like his and shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t sleep, nor would I the nightmares were horrible. I would try to keep everything together for my son and everyone but inside, in private I was a mess. Everyday I thought about dying, my skin crawled and I wanted out it badly. I stayed strong for that little boy who needed me, but even that would only last a few more months.

When my son left to live with my aunt, that mess just got bigger. I started to drink to get rid of the pain I was constantly feeling. I was on antidepressants, something for the anxiety, because by then I was something of a recluse. Work at the time brought me back to the area where it happened over and over again, it broke me. I would be shaking and freaking out all the time in the car and then had to explain why I was acting so strange. I was humiliated.

I felt awful, and alone. That for some reason I had done something to deserve this. The black hole in my heart grew, I numbed the pain with more and more alcohol. I began partying more, at first I couldn’t go anywhere, but then I was out every weekend. I was acting out, trying to control what was happening but couldn’t my life was spiraling out of control. I began taking risks I normally wouldn’t because I wanted to feel something other than pain and hurt. Or this strange feeling that I deserved to have these things happen to me. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted out.

That was 10 years ago or so. I still have those nightmares. I still feel like I deserved that. I don’t trust anyone, not really. It affects my relationships with men everyday, even with my dad.

I went and got help probably a year later, I went to the police as well. It took many years to heal, but it never goes away. Not really. I would be raped more than just that time.

I still feel ashamed, that I did something wrong. Which I know is not true. I know I did not deserve any of that, but it’s hard to change my mind of that.

I have had young girls close to me, suffer the same thing. nothing makes me more angry in this world. I lived through it. I count my blessings everyday. I thank God everyday. but some are not so lucky.

I want to be able to tell my nieces and maybe my daughter if I were to have one, and every other girl I know that this will not happen to them, but the chances are pretty likely that it will happen to one of them.

I hope and pray it doesn’t. But the truth is, is that you probably already know of someone a sister, a friend, a child, a mother that this happened to. It happens all too often, and the guys think, ( well they don’t think) it’s just sex it won’t do anything.

It ruins lives everyday. 10 yrs have passed and just this past year I was almost raped again. All those memories and thoughts, nightmares that I thought were long gone, came rushing back. I became that scared person again. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function. I slept in sweaters and mittens. I always look behind me, scared someone is following me. This doesn’t just go away. It’s not nothing.

It affects our lives FOREVER. Our relationships with ourselves, with men. Everything is affected. I may not have any scars on the outside from this, but inside, is a whole different story. That night changed my life forever.

I hope and pray that no one has to go through this, but I know people will. What makes it worse, is that it could stop, but it doesn’t. I can’t say what goes through a persons mind when they decide that this is okay. Or how they rationalize it. No means no. No questions. Its not just the verbal no, but if a physical one too. Everyone reacts differently but it’s pretty clear when someone isn’t in to it. Drunk or not. It doesn’t give anyone the right to do that.

I don’t know what good this will do if any. I just don’t want to hide it, or carry it anymore. I am better. It has taken so long to heal and it seems to be never ending process, but I am making headway. I still have my ups and downs, but I am still here. Alive.

Talking for me helped, whether it was a therapist, or a doctor, getting it off my chest was the first step, learning that it wasn’t my fault was the next. I am always still learning. It isn’t easy to get through but you can, I did.

Suicide Prevention Week

It’s suicide prevention week, a cause I know a little too much about, having had people close to me leave too early and my own personal battle.

This definitely not an easy subject to talk about, but talking is exactly what we need to do, so hopefully one day there won’t be a need for such a week.

Now I can sit here and tell you all this statistics and numbers and show you pie charts. That’s all well and good but really is that what is going to get the message across, I don’t think so.

I am 36 years old. I thank God every day for those years. At 12 years old I attempted suicide for the first time. Unfortunately it would not be the last time.

I was young and angry and hurt, it was probably for the stupidest reason on the earth, but when everything was crazy and changing so much, this was something I could control. This attempt would bring about a myriad of problems clearly something wasn’t right, but I said nothing.

Silence can be deadly. I thought about dying all the time. I was convinced that the world and everyone would be better off if I didn’t exist. Some days the pain inside was just too much and I would try again.

When I was 17, I had been at work and had a bad day, I remember calling my mom crying as I was leaving, I had slit my wrist with a box cutter, and I told her she had to come get me, because I was in no shape to drive and would probably go off a bridge.

I would try again quite a few times. I can’t really begin to explain the blackness and pain I felt inside for all those years. Emotions and pain that I had long buried had away of bubbling up, it always seemed at the worst time.

When I was 25, my son was 5 and he was away, when I got the worst phone call, his father had killed himself and was found in his apt. Those feeling I experienced that day have not left me, the anger and hurt, they diminish with time but never really go away. I have for so many years carried so much guilt about that day I felt responsible and that hung around my neck for many years, actually until just recently.

When you are there in that moment you aren’t thinking right, you think everyone will be better without you. The sad truth is, it’s very much the opposite. The people left your friends and family carry so many things with them from that day forward, many become depressed themselves and some will continue the cycle.

My last attempt was the day my husband left me. I carry the physical scars everyday, a daily reminder of that day. It is now covered with by a tattoo, because I am done with that part of my life.

Right before I moved home, I lost an old boyfriend and one of my best friends. It was a hard loss, and like the last time the thoughts that ran through my head were, why didn’t I know something was wrong.

People who try to commit suicide are usually pretty good at hiding things, they don’t say too much. But when they do, you better listen.

All of my attempts were a cry for help, I just wanted someone to listen, to care, to empathize. As much as I said I wanted to die, the truth was the opposite. I wanted to live but was having trouble finding my path, help, and others. I am stubborn to boot. Asking for help outright was very hard for me, but I am so glad people listened when I did cry out.

We do not always know what is going on in someone’s life. Even close friends and family. So we should aspire to be a little nicer, smile a little more, hug more you never know, you may just save a life.

If someone you know, or even if you don’t know them says “I want to die” or ” I am going to just kill myself” or anything remotely similar please call someone. Dial 911 if you have to. Take those words seriously. I have had enough practice myself to know it when I hear it from someone. If you are feeling like this or thinking about it or have a plan please call someone and talk to them, whether a doctor, a walk in clinic, a friend, or even a suicide hotline. Please call and talk.

I have spent many hours on quite a few shrinks couches talking. I don’t have all the answers about what I am going to do in my life, but I am sure grateful and blessed to be still here, and able to write this, and my story.

For those who say it is a selfish and cowardly way out, I don’t disagree but there is more to it than that. It is also a lot harder than you think to do.

To those in my life who have passed because of this, I miss you all so very much and nothing can fill the hole left by your absence I love you. Thank you to those who were listening when I needed it, it allowed me to be able to do the same for someone else.

Life is hard and sometimes it gets really bad, so bad you want to leave. But its not worth it. I am so grateful that none of my attempts succeeded and I am still here. ❤

Messages from above

I debated a hundred times the last day if I would write this. My first reaction was no when I was asked. But the more I thought about it today the more I knew it had to be done. This was the whole reason is started this. I couldn’t cop out just because it was personal. this whole thing is about my journey and this is part of my journey.

I am pretty confused when it comes to religion and spirituality. I am exploring it. My sister is into all the new age, alternative therapies etc. So I became curious because of her. A few years ago my sister went to a medium and had a reading. It changed much for me, and ever since then I have wanted one too.

Not just as a curiosity, but because I need answers and closure. yesterday was that day. I met this lady at the flea market, actually she gave me an angel card reading. Something about her, made me comfortable, I noticed on her sign she was a medium. I enquired about it and made an appointment. As I sat there she told me an older man was there possibly a grandfather. My heart almost stopped. I knew who it was, it confused me and scared me. Why was he coming through?

It would be two weeks before my appointment. I had waay too much time to think. But finally the day came. I was nervously excited. Hopefully I would get what I wanted and needed out of this.

The first person through was an ex boyfriend, it caught me off guard, but I guess I needed to hear from him too. I thought it would just be the people who passed talking to me through her, but it was more than that. A lot of the messages were about how I needed to move on and be like Anna in “Frozen” and let it go. This was nothing I didn’t already know, but I am a stubborn one and though I may know it, doesn’t mean I will do it.

It is very hard for me to let go. The messages were not only from loved ones but also my guides. It was a lot of repeating things I already knew but clearly needed to hear again. Mostly that I was getting sick from holding all this stuff in and had to do something soon. I was also stepping in the way of my own happiness. I need to get out of my own way. Something to think about for sure. I needed to forgive myself.

I learned lots about myself, that I am pretty sensitive to moon shifts and that could explain a lot of my emotional craziness lately. That I was at a crossroad when I last attempted suicide. I learned that things are not always what they seem, at least in my head. Things are changing for me and that is difficult in the easiest of times, and it’s very hard for me to except. But as I kept hearing the time is now, I need to let go. I need to grow. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

One of the people to come through is my little angel. My guardian angel for sure, my baby girl. It brings me to tears just thinking about it, to hear her being described as the most beautiful of souls. I feel her with me everyday. I was happy to learn that I wasn’t going crazy and that all my missing keys and such were her, trying to play with me. To lighten my very serious tone. to make me smile, to laugh.

Though the one person I was most nervous to hear from seemed to be silent, till later. The things I would hear from my grandfather, well needed to sink in, I didn’t know how profound they would be. The first things I heard from him were shocking and very sad. My heart hurt instantly after hearing it. Was this for real, I always thought it was supposed to be good. This didn’t sound so good, I furled my eyebrow when she told me about it.  Hmm I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going…

In the end I was very happy with this session. I felt a bit lighter. Today things were sinking in. I spent much of the day crying behind doors and corners as I tried to do my work. My mind was on fire. I wish I could automatically write what my mind was thinking at that exact moment. I feel like I could’ve written a novel. I know I started at least three of the letters I am supposed to write in order to release my emotions.

They are hard letters to write, this is years of pent up feelings coming out, the letters themselves may be short novels in the end. But I know it needs to happen in order for me to move forward, and to have the life that I see in my dreams. I need to let it go.

This journey is not always easy, sometimes you have to hear things you don’t always want to hear. Yes I wanna be like the kid on playground with my hands covering my ears, singing lalalalala but I’ve known a lot of this before this reading, I have just conveniently chosen to  ignore it, but as I have learned, if there is something to be learned, it doesn’t just go away, it keeps coming back like that case of hemorrhoids you are trying not to scratch. So might as well save yourself some grief and scratching and get on it.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this, I am a natural born skeptic. But I am happy to hear my loved ones are safe and happy regardless. It gives me some peace, and one less thing I need to worry about. I feel a little more at peace, a little more confused and very emotional. This is hard and it takes it’s toll. I am still processing everything too. That will take time. Time heals all wounds right?

So now I am trying to move forward. Doing my homework, even as dumb as it seems, I can see the merit in the process. So I write the letters. Hopefully in the end I find myself a much lighter and happier self, living in the moment and living the life I so deserve to live, so until the next time. I have some homework to do ❤

On the edge….

Today was a hard day. I woke up this morning to once again to find I had not been paid the right way. I started crying immediately. It was going to be a bad day. How I wanted to hide all day. But unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. I walked to work to get my check. Tears running down my face the whole way.

To say I was on the edge is understatement. This was familiar territory and not in a good way. My scar started to itch its funny that it happens that way. A warning sign I guess. Just glad I heard the warning.

I went to see a therapist. Yes its hard to admit that, still a bit of a stigma surround those words. Makes me think I am failing because I can’t do it on my own. Its hard to come back from the edge of that abyss. Once you are there, it sucks you in. I went in feeling the world would be a better place without me. Its a horrible feeling. I try desperately stave it off as long as I can. I just keep pushing everything down, hoping it will magically disappear.

That’s how it works in my family. Sweep it under the floor, pretend it doesn’t exist. Never talk about it. Well I must be adopted or switched at birth or something, because I don’t fit the bill. I’m sure they’d lose it knowing that I talk about this stuff online with strangers. Oh my.  For me it’s just a way to get it off my chest. Or I become like today, on the edge ready to jump.

The truth is I don’t want to die. I know I am overwhelmed though, and I don’t want burden my loved ones with all my deep dark secrets. It is a hard burden to carry. I know how hard it is to carry these things. As I tend to take other peoples feelings into myself to relieve their burdens. It becomes part of me. Its extremely taxing. So there I ended up in this doctors office.

I filled out the necessary paperwork and waited for the therapist to come get me. We talked about everything I could immediately feel my shoulders getting lighter. I could feel the pressure on my chest slowly dissipate. I knew I made the right choice. I smiled here and there. Laughed a little.

I once again I got commended on my strength. I was told how strong I was and that I should be proud of that. I am aware of the things that have happened, I have survived them all. How or why? I couldn’t tell you.

I question that on a daily basis. I used to think I had a reason but slowly over the years it becomes less and less of a reason. Now I jut don’t know. I’d like to think that is for a reason and it hasn’t just been shitty luck. But its hard to find faith in that without proof. I struggle with that everyday, more when days are hard like this, all I see are the mistakes and failures which have been so kindly pointed out by people.

Admitting that I needed help today was hard. A lot people still won’t do it.  But as I have gone through my life I have found that they can be lifesavers. Literally. For me having a third party to unload all my crap on to is great. I don’t have to carry all that extra weight.  So for now I am better a little on edge, but not way way on edge. I am still sitting on that ledge, it’s a fight everyday. Some days are better than others, some aren’t but I am thankful for the small, seemingly fleeting moments that give me hope. Hope that one day, this will all be behind me and I will be happy and fulfilled in everyway. So step by step I struggle, but always forward. Maybe baby steps, maybe giant leaps one day I will get there.