Oh Baby

It took awhile for everything to sink in, motherhood again at my age was well daunting in so many ways. As the months would pass, and my body once again changed with each day, I began to slip into old thoughts more and more. My anxiety about this pregnancy was at an all time high. I don’t remember being so worried last time.

Everything was different this time. I thought I knew what to expect, I did have a 19 year old out there in the world. Though as true as that statement may be, this pregnancy was different right off the bat, last time I was lucky, never sick a day. Not so, this time around, I felt sick to my stomach everyday, but wouldn’t throw up. I had constant headaches, and a cold that never seemed to go away.

Despite all of this, the usual weight gain, the new wonderful stretch marks that adorned my body, I was beyond happy and blessed to be in this position. I knew very well, not all people got to experience this.

This pregnancy if anything made me more humble, right from day one.  I was in a grey area with regards to health. Most doctors I saw, put me as high risk right away, just because of my age, then add the history of clots, well that put me in a new stratosphere so to speak. I would be closely watched for the entire pregnancy. Late in the pregnancy I again encountered a hiccup so to speak. I was told I had gestational diabetes.

My mind was going crazy with all of this information, and these worries.  Add to that all the worries and thoughts that were already there, to say it was stressful, was a vast understatement. At night when it was quiet, the world was sleeping, I would worry about my past coming back to haunt me. Would I lose this child too? It was a horrible thought to say the least, but it was always there, just under the skin. I fought daily with my own mind, trying to put thoughts like that to rest. But I also wondered if the things that were said, and thought so many years ago, the stuff about me not being a good parent, or capable of being one, things like that haunted my mind at night.

My partner was away at work in another province throughout the pregnancy, although I was used to this part of our lives already, this new addition was making it often harder to cope with day to day. Often I felt alone. Doctors visits were nerve-racking as it was, but without him here, I was usually a mess. Thank god for his sisters. But still, I had always imagined that if I were to be in this way again, it’d be different, I wouldn’t be alone. Yet here I was, some nights were long and hard. Maybe it was all the hormones coursing through my body, maybe it was the stress, but there were many nights I cried myself to sleep.

My mom was far away, again, and he was far away as well. Sometimes it was too much. I had to go to the city for an ultrasound, they were trying to determine if everything was okay because of my advanced age. I was never so scared to go to an appointment, as I was for this one. Everything ended up being fine, but the build up was pretty intense.

Honestly up until that very appointment I still wasn’t sure I was really pregnant. I could be just getting fat. It wasn’t until I saw those ultrasound pictures, then it became real. I saw the heartbeat, I saw my baby wave at me. Then it became so very real. So regardless of the risks, worries, etc. I am very excited about what is happening. ❤

A wish granted

Going back in time a bit, about 11 or so months 🙂 I was going to the store initially to buy some medicine. I felt off. Just thought I was getting a cold , it seemed to be that time of year for this type of thing to happen. I remember I went to get a registered letter from the post office, then stopped quickly in the store near the post office just too look. I was walking around when I suddenly was overcome by the feeling that I was going to be sick. Not really anywhere I wanted this to happen I quickly left, but as I left it dawned on me that I should stop one more place, for one more thing.

I got home, still feeling sick to my stomach, I couldn’t find the bathroom fast enough. As I scrambled up the stairs, in the back of my mind, I thought about the possibility. nah it couldn’t possibly be that? I finally arrived at my destination, struggled to get situated but finally did, bucket in front of me, in case, god forbid I got sick. On the other hand, I decided to kill two with one stone, so to speak., So while I was there I unwrapped that stick and did what I needed to. I sat motionless as time slowly ticked on, tick , tick, tick. My god could it go any slower?

My mind was full of so many thoughts, as the clock ticked away. My heart beat a little bit quicker, I kept telling myself not to get excited, because surely there was an explanation, and that was not it.

Finally the allotted time had passed, I looked to the counter beside me. I looked again. No, that couldn’t be right?! I shook my head, and rubbed my eyes, surely no? But when once again I peered at the stick, I saw something I never thought I’d ever see, a + sign. My immediate reaction was, I know I have some more somewhere? Where are they? Clearly this test was not right, it was a false positive. I took 5 more tests. all with the same answer.  I was in shock to say the least. It sunk in, little by little.

I have wanted nothing more for years now, but after years of nothing happening, and it just not seeming to be in the cards, I kinda gave up. I mean if it hadn’t happened by like 30 or 35 I just figured, it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be and well I needed to quit fooling myself and get on with my life, and well forget about it. Till now, that is. As it sank in the tears ran down my face. I couldn’t believe this. I wasn’t sick. I was pregnant, at almost 40.

After the crying stopped, an hour or so later, the reality of everything hit me. was I ready for this? Could I do this? old thoughts immediately crept back into my mind, that I had doe something wrong, that there was something wrong and that is why I didn’t have my kids, the family I wanted. What was going to happen this time? In this moment of joy and happiness, my mind was plagued with terror. would it happen again. Don’t get too excited I told myself, this was a fluke, this wouldn’t last. I wasn’t allowed to be happy. This wasn’t in the plan. I prepared for the other shoe to drop. Voices from my past came back, telling me I couldn’t do it, something was wrong with me. I felt the happiness drain from my heart, and straightened my back and told myself to be practical.

…..

A week later or so I went to the walk in clinic to have the blood test done. The anticipation was killing me. But the urine test came back positive, and later the blood test. I was indeed pregnant. By that time I shared the news with my partner, whom was  as surprised as I was.

So at almost 40. The wish, the dream, that impossible thing, that I wanted so damn badly was actually happening. This time around, I knew what to expect, having had a child some 19 years before. But this one went every way but what I expected. This would be an adventure for sure, I was excited, happy, and absolutely terrified, but in the best, most perfect way possible. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

bittersweet

Wiping the crud out of my eyes this morning, I woke up to being nuzzled by a furry, purring face reminding me that it was time to get up and feed him. I rolled around and grabbed the phone to see 5:45 glaring back at me in glowing numbers. I let out a low growl, buried my head back under the pillow trying to avoid what was about to happen. Seriously I begged the furry beast now roaming my chest and face “one more minute?”

Apparently not in the cards this morning! Like most people I checked my FB and as I sifted through the posts of friends and family, the Universe once again guided me to search my kids name. I did, naturally and was met with unexpected photos. It looked like his grad or prom. Oh he is so handsome. My heart glowing with pride and love for this not little boy (now a man).

It was a second photo that I saw, that brought the tears in great quantities. A family photo, all the faces beaming with pride. One definitely missing some people, like me. I felt a twinge of jealousy rip through my heart like forest fire. How many times had I prayed to be able to be there for that moment. Clearly not enough I thought as the tears rolled down my face. I got mad, mad at the lies I would hear, if they even told me. I was ashamed and proud at the same moment. Ashamed of them, with the smiles on their faces, ashamed this was the family I came from, the one I am fighting so hard to bring together. Hurt because I know they will pretend it never happened, either to spite me, or maybe not to hurt me. I don’t know anymore, it’s terribly confusing.

Among those harsh emotions, I never felt so proud. My heart was welling up with love and gratitude. I am most definitely grateful. I saw my aunt, with the biggest smile. I am happy for her, I am proud that I was able to give that to her, whether or not she acknowledges it, or me. I know what I have done, and I am very proud of that. I see my son just beaming. I think of his father, his family and I silently smile and say thank you to them for this gift, I also cry because they aren’t here to see it, but I know they are all in Heaven watching over him and also beaming with pride.

I struggle with what is the right way to feel. There are so many emotions right now, it’s hard to keep them contained. I fight the jealousy, I know its wrong, especially after how hard I have worked over the years to free myself of feelings like this, but I ride the wave and go with it, I know it is just passing. I am angry at all the deceit and slight of hand that has gone on for the last 15 years. I acknowledge it, I feel it as it passes through me. In the end I am left with love and happiness, and pride. This moment has been a culmination of many peoples experiences, their love. I realize that it was never just one of us, it was me, it was them, it was my grandparents. We all did this for that little boy. It was with the best of intentions, and the most love that this crazy road began. It was probably a lot easier for everyone else involved, my part of this journey, well lets just say I don’t think anyone would pick it purposely. It was filled with gallons of tears, the constant breaking of my heart, and sometimes of my spirit, my faith in God, my family, well everything. But like the phoenix, out of the ashes comes something beautiful and amazing.

I am one proud mama right now, whether my son knows it or not, and if I am by myself. I love that boy (man) with all my heart, and even if I couldn’t be there with him, with them on that special day I couldn’t be happier for him. I also am happy for his parents, they raised one pretty special kid ( I might be a little biased), I know it couldn’t have happened without them. So for that I am extremely grateful.

Life doesn’t always follow the path we think it should, there are bumps, turns and sometimes potholes in the road. They are there to remind us of the bigger picture and what is important in life. What defines us as a person is how we react to these things, and what we do next.

Just now “Bittersweet Symphony” came on the radio. Just to remind me how bittersweet this moment is for me. Like I need the help. The tears still falling, but ones of joy and love. I think of my son, and how much I love him. Hoping he can feel it a thousand miles away. ❤

💗

Its a moment that has been in the making for the last 14 years or so. No it’s not that moment but trust me it’s up there. At no point in my life if you told it would be a decade or so till you see your Grandma again, would I have believed you. but time flies, grudges stick, and the gap gets bigger, suddenly like nothing its been close to 15 years.

From the moment I came back home, seeing her has been on my list of things to do. Oh how I have missed her over the years, and its been the one thing I was / am excited about doing the most, next to of course that other reunion.

So when I came home and found the house so familiar to me empty, I was more than disappointed. I was devastated. It seemed like the universe or someone was keeping me from having that moment. I’ve tried many times over the years, only to be forgotten, passed on by, or just ignored. At least its how it felt. I felt like I was never going to see her alive again. I had to be okay with that. I wrote letters, that ended up being just a few scribbled words. ” Make sure she gets it and reads it” I said, thinking it may be the only time I get to say anything to her. With that I shuffled off, back into life and my routine.

I was happy when I heard she read it, happy it got said so to speak. But deep down I wanted more. She deserved more, and so did I. This was not how it would end. I stomped my foot, and shook my hand, as well as my head. I was resolute in this not being it. I would be a pain the ass if I had to, I was going to see her.

My persistence finally paid off, though I wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen, as dropped calls, straight to voicemails, had me feeling, I was being ignored once again. One more phone call. I didn’t want to seem pushy, but come on, time is of the essence here. Finally a time. A short hour away.

I haven’t been that nervous in quite awhile. As I stepped off the train, and started walking to the restaurant. My heart was beating quickly and memories flooded every space in my mind. Good ones, bad ones, sad ones. I had gone over what I would say, a million times throughout the day to day. I imagined every scenario, bad or good. My god could I do this. I saw my uncles vehicle stopped in the turning lane. It was real. It was happening.

My aunt and uncle came up and met me, hugging both of them for the first time in way too long. Tears had already started flowing, god i’m such a girl. We sat down for a bit and waited for the other parties, oh my god, they were coming, she was coming! I saw my mothers familiar vehicle through the window of the restaurant. My heart was nervous now. I saw my mom, then my grandma, I tried to hold myself together, as they came closer. My god I just wanted run to her. It has been far too long. Grandma sat down next me, and they got her jacket off, I leaned in and hugged her tightly, and said the words I waited so long to say ” I love you”.

I could barely get them out as I felt tears dribbling down my face. buck up I told my self, seriously you make us look like a fool. I looked around the table, I could barely remember the last time this happened. That there was this many of us together in the same room. I was ashamed, and I know I wasn’t the only one.

Over the next few hours, we looked at photos, and caught up with each others lives, so much had changed, kids grew up, marriages happened, grandkids, wow. It flies by so fast. Yet somehow it has stayed the same. It just felt like any other family dinner. It was like no time had passed.  I would catch glimpses of my Grandma as we talked, she was different, older, quieter. She was the same though, her voice sounded the same. Her eyes were the same. I could hardly keep it together. Only hours before, reliving the past in my mind, my heart ached with the painful memories, anger had begun to build. There was so much I wanted to say, needed to say, yet when I had my chance, it didn’t quite come out that way.

Over the years I have been through a lot, some minor things, some major, the ones that make you think about what is real, what is important in life. in my mind I have had this conversation a million times over, sometimes it didn’t go so well. As my body welled up with emotion that had been buried over the years, then burst in anger and hurt feelings.

What happened today certainly wasn’t how I figured it’d go, but how I hoped it would. in the midst of all this emotion, I saw the person I was meant to become. The one who has worked so very hard to clear my body and soul of the old, the painful, the anger. I have undergone therapy of many sorts, I write regularly, I cry all the time, I have forgiven. All because of this moment here. I wanted to come to it, the best version of myself. Not to spite or rub it anyone’s face, but because this is the person I want to be, the one, that after everything, can just sit and simply say I love you, and that be enough. No need for long diatribes, bringing up the painful past. I am no longer that girl. Sure though I may feel some of those feeling still, I can rise above it all, and be kind and gentle.

I do not know if I will see her again, although I truly hope I will, and I will continue to try, but as my aunt said to me today, you never know how long you have. So true. in those times where things became clearer, I saw the person I wanted to become, I wanted to be able to forgive, to love. I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to let 15 years pass by before I saw my family again. It was a conscious choice to let go, to forgive. But in the end what do we have left, what matters. To me it was and is love. So no matter what has happened in the past, how mad I was, how hurt I was, above all I wanted to let the people I care about the most, know that I still love them. I always have. And today, finally after so many years, and miles, I finally let one special lady know, just how much she meant to me. With tears in my eyes, and happiness and love in my heart I hugged my Grandmother as we said farewell, because it is not goodbye yet, as I intend to see her again, hopefully soon :). She said she didn’t want to be the cause of so many tears, I smiled and thought this is the best reason right now. It is a hug I have waited so long for and it was worth every minute of it. 💗💗💗

 

Shadows

Push and pull the battle rages on in my heart. Don’t you understand how long it has been? How painful each and every day without you has been? I want to run and hug you and never let go. I made that mistake once. One I cannot undo.

Now I am lucky to be just a faded memory in a dusty old album, buried some where deep in your heart. I know you know me. I know you feel me. You are confused. You are scared.

Things come into focus, but still clouded by questions. You push it back deep, hoping to forget. You shake your head, you move on with your day. Until you lay in your bed, close your eyes.

In your dreams I am there. A voice, a touch, my smell. You know it, but you don’t. Your heart recognizes mine. Your heart, your mind  is clouded in confusion. You run, you hide. You yell, you scream. Leave me alone! But at night you cry, and you don’t know why.

Blurry faces, a faint voice, a memory from somewhere, sometime. Deja Vu? You toss , you turn, you close your eyes tight, fighting your heart. You feel me, I feel you. That connection always there, That something you cannot place. My face, a blurry mess.

You cry in confusion. Feeling pulled one way, then the other, not understanding why. not wanting to disappoint or hurt. You throw it back into the closet. You cover it up. You lock the door. you lose the key.

Another day, all is good until you close your eyes. My laugh, my voice, my touch. bit by bit they invade your heart. You toss, you turn, you cry.

I am no monster under the bed. No beast trying to steal you away in the night.

…………

Simultaneously I toss, I turn, I cry. My heart remembers. I remember the ache, the emptiness, the hole that is there. I cry in happiness and in hope, yet stay in the shadows. Feeling you near, closer than ever. My heart jumps. Excited yet scared.

As you push me back into the darkness. You step farther away. I miss you, I love you. My heart is torn in two. To leave you be or try to connect. I want to push and go all out, jump and scream in joy and happiness.

But I hesitate……. at the same time. I feel your heart and your confusion. I feel you are torn. I step back into the shadows and wait again. I wait for the moment when those shadows, that voice, the smell, become all too much that you have to find it. That you have to find me.

I feel the pain in your heart. I want to heal it. Timing is everything. And today is not the right day. one day soon, you’ll open that lock. That closet door, you dig deep under the dust, you’ll find a voice, a memory, One you see clearly, one you know.

My face will appear. My voice you’ll hear and you will find me, as I am near. Look on  FB , type your name. Think, think. Remember the name buried deep in your heart. I am right in front of you. Oh so close. I am the one who can answer your questions.

Please don’t be afraid. I do not bite. I will not harm. I need you and you need me. together we will heal the broken parts. Do not despair, I do not come to take or destroy. I come in peace. to heal and repair. I come in love.

I come bearing my heart, my soul. Wanting to mend fences and heal broken hearts. With apologies and gratefulness, humility and humbleness. I look to repair the bonds that were cut and torn, ripped apart. I look to repair broken bridges, scattered far apart. not just you, and not just me.

My heart is true. My will is great. My hope unwavering. You feel me and I feel you. Together we will move from the shadows into the light. One day all that is broken , will begin to mend.

So go to sleep, close your eyes, keep dreaming of that voice, that touch, the smell. Let your heart do the work. Uncover what is lost, what is hiding so deep. Come find me.  ❤