A little bit of pride, a lot of sympathy, some understanding.

This week has been exciting at work. Not in the best way. I have never met the person, or anything but the commotion at work has led me to a few thoughts. One, I am proud of myself. Not in boastful, annoying way but in a humble way, in a way I do not usually allow for myself.

I am proud that I can say that I am not in their shoes anymore. For three consecutive days the emergency services were called. There is a guest who is apparently going through a rather tough time right now, and has been asking for help, for someone to talk too. Because it’s overwhelming and becoming unbearable. Life

I do not know the particulars and honestly it’s none of my business. But I do care and I do understand. I understand their pain. How much it has to hurt to do that to one’s self. I hope and pray for them to find the help they need to stay alive and grow stronger from this moment.

I have come home every day and cried for this person, a stranger I do not know, but one who can sympathize with. I was reminded of all that I have come through over the years. Out all of that, I am able to smile, if only slightly in the acknowledgement that I am still here.

Its a proud, humble moment for me. One overshadowed by the fact that there are people who are struggling so much, asking for help and not always getting it. Not because there isn’t help but because the system us overwhelmed and not prepared for the needs of the population.

It took a couple of times but I rhink the person may have been able to admitted somewhere to receive the help that they need. I pray for them everyday. I pray for their strength to move through and past this and to become stronger because of it. I pray for their happiness and their health.

I would never wish any of this on any one. I was so lucky that people paid attention to the signs, that there were places and people who I could access to help me get through it.

It was not always the easiest road, and to be honest is something that hasn’t gone away completely. I struggle. When things get hard or overwhelming and all seems lost, I fight to stay strong and keep going, even though everything inside of me is crying in pain and just wanting it to end. It is my hardwst fight but my most important, I am fighting for my life. My future.

I am happy and proud to say that for me those times are becoming further and further apart. I have had to be reschooled in a few things, especially with the way I deal with things. Somedays are harder than others for sure. Some days I am too tired and tired of fighting. But most days I can find my way through that darkness.

I can honestly say I don’t want to die anytime soon, and I will do what I can to prevent that from happening.

I take the steps needed, sometimes that is opening up to strangers in the form of therapy, or sometimes taking medication to help me with feelings and things I cannot always control.

Its hard to feel out of control, overwhelmed, and alone. I know that for me I tend to go into seclusion when I start feeling like that.  Its hard for me to be around people when I feel like that. As strange as it sounds, as I pour my heart out on an empty page for the world and all these strangers to read and to judge. It is hard for me to open up sometimes.

So I write, I scribble mad and angry words on paper, I cry, I talk to God or whoever is listening. I go for a long walk or run. Sometimes it is not enough and I have to find a Dr.

I am grateful that I have been able to find help when I needed it. I can only wish that for anyone who needs it. Use the hotlines if needed. Do what you need to find help and to keep moving forward. Because there is someone in your life who loves you and would very much miss you if you were to be gone suddenly.❤