I debated a hundred times the last day if I would write this. My first reaction was no when I was asked. But the more I thought about it today the more I knew it had to be done. This was the whole reason is started this. I couldn’t cop out just because it was personal. this whole thing is about my journey and this is part of my journey.
I am pretty confused when it comes to religion and spirituality. I am exploring it. My sister is into all the new age, alternative therapies etc. So I became curious because of her. A few years ago my sister went to a medium and had a reading. It changed much for me, and ever since then I have wanted one too.
Not just as a curiosity, but because I need answers and closure. yesterday was that day. I met this lady at the flea market, actually she gave me an angel card reading. Something about her, made me comfortable, I noticed on her sign she was a medium. I enquired about it and made an appointment. As I sat there she told me an older man was there possibly a grandfather. My heart almost stopped. I knew who it was, it confused me and scared me. Why was he coming through?
It would be two weeks before my appointment. I had waay too much time to think. But finally the day came. I was nervously excited. Hopefully I would get what I wanted and needed out of this.
The first person through was an ex boyfriend, it caught me off guard, but I guess I needed to hear from him too. I thought it would just be the people who passed talking to me through her, but it was more than that. A lot of the messages were about how I needed to move on and be like Anna in “Frozen” and let it go. This was nothing I didn’t already know, but I am a stubborn one and though I may know it, doesn’t mean I will do it.
It is very hard for me to let go. The messages were not only from loved ones but also my guides. It was a lot of repeating things I already knew but clearly needed to hear again. Mostly that I was getting sick from holding all this stuff in and had to do something soon. I was also stepping in the way of my own happiness. I need to get out of my own way. Something to think about for sure. I needed to forgive myself.
I learned lots about myself, that I am pretty sensitive to moon shifts and that could explain a lot of my emotional craziness lately. That I was at a crossroad when I last attempted suicide. I learned that things are not always what they seem, at least in my head. Things are changing for me and that is difficult in the easiest of times, and it’s very hard for me to except. But as I kept hearing the time is now, I need to let go. I need to grow. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy.
One of the people to come through is my little angel. My guardian angel for sure, my baby girl. It brings me to tears just thinking about it, to hear her being described as the most beautiful of souls. I feel her with me everyday. I was happy to learn that I wasn’t going crazy and that all my missing keys and such were her, trying to play with me. To lighten my very serious tone. to make me smile, to laugh.
Though the one person I was most nervous to hear from seemed to be silent, till later. The things I would hear from my grandfather, well needed to sink in, I didn’t know how profound they would be. The first things I heard from him were shocking and very sad. My heart hurt instantly after hearing it. Was this for real, I always thought it was supposed to be good. This didn’t sound so good, I furled my eyebrow when she told me about it. Hmm I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going…
In the end I was very happy with this session. I felt a bit lighter. Today things were sinking in. I spent much of the day crying behind doors and corners as I tried to do my work. My mind was on fire. I wish I could automatically write what my mind was thinking at that exact moment. I feel like I could’ve written a novel. I know I started at least three of the letters I am supposed to write in order to release my emotions.
They are hard letters to write, this is years of pent up feelings coming out, the letters themselves may be short novels in the end. But I know it needs to happen in order for me to move forward, and to have the life that I see in my dreams. I need to let it go.
This journey is not always easy, sometimes you have to hear things you don’t always want to hear. Yes I wanna be like the kid on playground with my hands covering my ears, singing lalalalala but I’ve known a lot of this before this reading, I have just conveniently chosen to ignore it, but as I have learned, if there is something to be learned, it doesn’t just go away, it keeps coming back like that case of hemorrhoids you are trying not to scratch. So might as well save yourself some grief and scratching and get on it.
I am not sure how I feel about all of this, I am a natural born skeptic. But I am happy to hear my loved ones are safe and happy regardless. It gives me some peace, and one less thing I need to worry about. I feel a little more at peace, a little more confused and very emotional. This is hard and it takes it’s toll. I am still processing everything too. That will take time. Time heals all wounds right?
So now I am trying to move forward. Doing my homework, even as dumb as it seems, I can see the merit in the process. So I write the letters. Hopefully in the end I find myself a much lighter and happier self, living in the moment and living the life I so deserve to live, so until the next time. I have some homework to do ❤
A Blonde Girls Guide to Life 