By my nature I am quiet and reserved. The underdog in situations I would have to say. I ran track and cross country in high school. The coach recruited me after seeing me run in gym class. For some reason I was a couple of laps ahead of my classmates. Not trying to show off, but didn’t want to lolly-gag along. I started in track, we tried short distance, but I didn’t have the speed or power one needs. I tried hurdles, nope never that. Then finally the longer distances- 1600m 3200m. I found my niche so to speak. I got into a rhythm, and a pace and along I went. I was in the middle of the girls who ran. I was okay with that. Freshman year I started XC. It was a small team from a small school.
There were only girls at the time when I started. These girls would fast become some of my best friends. We would run miles to train. Running anywhere from 5-10 miles a day, generally 5 x week. One of the things I would learn from XC was perseverance. I learned to not quit, even when my body ached and legs screamed and lung burnt. I ran through every kind of weather. Rain being one of my personal favorites.
But that lesson I would find would carry on in life too. Many times in my life I came across obstacles, I would find myself in pain and hurting, not wanting to take another step, wanting so badly to give up. But on I stumbled. Sometimes I came out with no wear and tear, others I was not so lucky, bruised and worn, scarred. But I would make it out to the other side. My journey has largely been personal and private. Though if nudged I would talk, sharing my deepest and darkest moments with those who would listen. Which is I suppose what lead me here. A way to communicate my journey, and hopefully help someone else’s
From a relatively early age, I began trying to hurt myself. The first incident I was 12, I didn’t want to move, so I hatched this plan thanks to Health class, and I quit eating. Some people would guff at this. But for someone, a child who couldn’t control anything, this was something I could. It didn’t quite register at the time there were much faster options and I had picked the slow way. I lost probably close to 30lbs in a month. Friends started to notice changes. One day a group of girls confronted me, and practically force fed me. I eased up a bit with the food to get people to quiet down. I was afraid I would get in trouble and that is not something I look for.
The next incident was a few years later. Then a few more years went by before the next incident. Each and every time I felt I had come to the end, life was too hard, too painful, I wanted out. The world would be better with out me. I sincerely believed that. By in no means am I condoning this action. But I have an understanding most people don’t. One day years later I would be confronted with something I had never experienced. The loss of someone close to me, by suicide. I was devastated. My world came crashing down in an instant. My heart ripped from my body just ached with pain, then seethed with anger.
It took many years to get over that, and in all fairness I don’t think one gets over it. One moves forward out of necessity, self preservation. I had an intimate understanding of what it took to be in that place from own struggles. I felt guilty, and still do because I couldn’t help that person, I wasn’t there. Suicide leaves a path of destruction in its wake. The ones left, try to pick up the pieces of wreaked and ruined lives and move on. Not an easy process.
People would hear about it, or something would bring up the topic and I would hear “it’s just so selfish”, “don’t they know it’s us who has to live with it”, ” they were weak”. I wanted to punch someone or something when I heard those things. Screaming inside my head, you don’t understand. Especially the last one.
I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING OR CONDONING THIS- THIS IS MY OPINION FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCES. People who do this are not weak. They are strong and have carried many things, much more than most people realize, then there’s a point its too much. In my own experiences, I struggled long and hard, to be happy, to function everything. Nothing seemed to work. Therapists helped, prescriptions helped, but not always forever. Some times life, would get too stressful, too much. For me personally it was a snowball effect. one thing would lead to an avalanche, and I would be buried alive with so many feelings, and they weren’t usually good. It was like replaying a movie over and over. I would hear everything I heard- “you’re not doing it right”, ” how stupid could you be”, among countless others. I hated myself and was convinced that everyone in world hated me as well. What was the point?
In my later events my son was probably the one reason I stayed alive. I could not let him be left with out anyone. I would tell myself this over and over again till I heard it, understood it, felt it. My last incident to date was a few years ago. By far the most serious of all my attempts. I was quite serious this time. I was prepared or at least I thought I was. A mixture of pills and alcohol, and a knife I was quite confident I would accomplish my goal. But something happened, something I could not have foreseen or expected. A guardian appeared. My guardian angel. She sat with me, and I suppose communicated with me, kept me aware, alive. In the end the police knocked on my door, and I went willingly with them to ambulance.
I would struggle for quite awhile after that. Always wondering why? What was wrong with me, I couldn’t even do this right. The answer came I was not done here, it was not my time. A year or so I would meet who I thought was the reason I lived. But like so many other things in my life, that would end at some point. Don’t get me wrong, my time in that persons life was fulfilling in many ways, especially to me. After so many heart breaks and losses (and no I am not talking about boys or partners) I found my heart open again . It was truly the best gift I could have gotten. I am very grateful for time I spent with that person and I learned as much or more than I think I gave.
The point of all of this is that I am still here. After everything I have been through, I’m still here. I don’t understand it half the time, and is an on going source of well, confusion, in my life. I don’t think about it often, and maybe I would do well to remember it. I am stronger than I think I am. I fight everyday for my life. Some days it is hard. I can feel it inside of my trying to take over. Other days which seem to be more numerous as of late, are good days. I am relatively happy, and once in awhile I smile.
I am not in the greatest place in my life at the moment. I find myself thinking way too much about everything. Its what I do. I worry. I stress out about everything, have anxiety about everything. There are days I don’t get out of bed, other days I jaunt through the woods for few hours, whilst talking to myself, trying to work things out in my head and heart.
But I am here. I had a therapist remark to me once in amazement, that I was still around. Let alone did not seem to have issues such as drugs or alcohol addiction problems. She told me I should pat myself on the back, “you’re much stronger than you realize or allow yourself to know”.
Just like running all those years and miles ago, I still put one foot in front of the other. I deal with the pain and everything much differently than when I was younger. Guess I grew up. Its not perfect. As I said I fight for everyday that I am here. I love my life. All the good and bad experience make me who I am today. I do not know where this road leads, but I am happy and very grateful for each step on it.
I used to hate it when people told me “it will get better”. I knew they were only trying to help to encourage me to stay strong, when all I wanted was to desperately let go. But for all those people I am eternally grateful. That’s the thing you never know what it going on in a persons life at any given time. So even the simplest thing, saying hello, or doing something nice, can change a persons life in an instant. I try to keep that in mind as I move forward. I try to conscious of this and try not talk badly or meanly about someone, because just like the nice words or gesture, these ones can change lives as well.
So for all those struggling, I know it’s hard. I know what it feels like to be there, at the end of your rope, when everything seems so bleak and dark. You are afraid to go on, you are hurt and in pain and feel alone, like no one in the world gets it. I do. I know there is light beyond the darkness, that it gets better. Its hard to believe, when everything sucks so much and you don’t see a way out. But all you need to do is put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.
Its about loving oneself, and for some its not always easy, they don’t think they deserve it, but they do, you do. I cannot make your choices for you. It is a personal journey each must take on their own. But all those people in your life who keep asking “what’s wrong?”, “how can I help?” take the first step, ask for help. I know its hard. God knows I wouldn’t do it. I had to force my self many times to ask for help and it made me feel defeated, and weak. But know and understand that it takes much strength to admit to oneself and to others that you can’t do it on your own, and that it is okay to need help, need someone to talk to, you just need to take the first step. You are stronger than you think.
A Blonde Girls Guide to Life 