Strength

I am trying to prepare myself. To be strong. Though I am not sure that I am doing it well enough. Everyday seems harder and harder. Everyday I wonder is this the day?

I have probably talked about him, the end seems closer and closer. Something in my gut is scresming at me to batten down the hatches, because its coming.

As I write this, I am teary-eyed. I know deep down it will be soon. I am sad for him, I am scared for me. I hope I will do right by him. I worry it won’t be enough. I worry I won’t be there.

I chatted with him for a few moments as I was leaving today. He told me of another incident, but I had already heard. As I talked to him and as I listened, I kept thinking ” its going to be soon isn’t it? I need to be strong”

The signs, I see them. But how does one prepare for this. I am no nurse, not a healthcare worker, this is not in my job description. But yet I pray, that itvwill be me that finds him, when his time is up.

I want to find him because I care. Because I know him, I talk to him. But I am scared because of these same things. But I feel like at least if its me, it won’t be some heart less ordeal.

I have personally never had this happen to me. I have lost people my age, ex partners. But I never found them. I want to be there because hopefully I will be able to honor his wishes and treat him with some dignity.

I will miss him. Our little chats in the hallway. Until then I listen and take in every moment with him because I know much sooner than I would like, he will be gone.

Praying for strength. Praying for him. 💙