Heartline

The umbilical cord between us was severed 19yrs ago. But the line from your heart to mine, isn’t quite cut yet but it has been stretched and pulled over the years.

I always imagined this line between us that could never be cut or demolished in any way. I would always feel you and you’d always feel me. I was so certain that it would be this way forever.

Now that line has been well tested for sure. Through the ups and downs of our shared life together and our lives when we were separated.

It was pulled and twisted over and over again. It was run over, set ablaze and still managed to come out intact. I’ve always felt you. At times I could feel your sadness, your heartbreak, and your happiness. Over the years it has waned. Maybe the distance between us made it weaker, but it was always there. Though as I moved closer in miles to you whether I knew it or not, the signal seemed to get weaker.

Its been so many years, my love for you, has never once gone away or lessened one bit. You have my heart forever

But I have been unsure of your end. Not being able to be with you or near You, I am always in the dark with everything related to you. Especially your feelings towards me. As you grew up I suppose it was what I feared the most, that you felt anger or worse, nothing for me.

I was and am still afraid of not being part of your life some how, I can’t imagine losing you again, but realize that it could happen.

When I found You, I couldn’t have been happier, but I’ve always stayed on the perimeter. Nearby but still outside. A choice I believed with all my heart was the right one. You needed time, I tell my heart. A little bit longer.

But lately I haven’t felt you that much. Today I broke down and cried, so afraid I was losing you again. True there is a new line attached to my heart but as a mother, I am capable of many lines.

It doesn’t mean I love you any less than the day we met, in fact I like to think it only strengthened my love for you. You are always my first. No one can take that away. But I feel like more and more you are moving away instead of towards me.

See I always thought it was you way back to me. Just like the bread crumbs, only this wouldn’t get eaten by birds, you could find your way home to me.

All the tangles, twists and turns make it hard. So much so, that maybe you figure whats the point, why go to all the trouble? Maybe you feel the weight and feel its holding you back? I don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling but I can feel you pulling away.

My own heart is breaking, at the thought of this. I keep praying that I will once more feel that familiar pulse that is your heart. That one day all the stretching will go away. That the distance will go away.

But I caution myself and my heart. I wuestion whether or not I made the right decisions with regards to you? To staying away? To everything? Although I believe every thing happens for a reason, and in its own time, it’s sometimes hard to feel this is true. I second guess myself lots.

I try to calm that achy feeling, and tell myself to slow down, to not read too deep into these feelings. To give you time and space. My heart fights back. Tired of always waiting on the sidelines, it wants instant gratification, which I understand.

But this is the long game. Forever. I slow my heart and try to fix the ache. I collect my thoughts and feelings and push them down even further. Trying to forget them. I tell myself it will work out just be patient.

In the meantime I hold that heart line as if it were gold, more precious than anything. I hold onto it just hoping for even the faintest of pulses. Telling me you’re still there.

I love and miss you with all my heart. My love for you as a mother has never wavered or dissipated and never will. I will continue to be patient and wait for that day. I will never stop waiting. 💗💗💗