bittersweet

Wiping the crud out of my eyes this morning, I woke up to being nuzzled by a furry, purring face reminding me that it was time to get up and feed him. I rolled around and grabbed the phone to see 5:45 glaring back at me in glowing numbers. I let out a low growl, buried my head back under the pillow trying to avoid what was about to happen. Seriously I begged the furry beast now roaming my chest and face “one more minute?”

Apparently not in the cards this morning! Like most people I checked my FB and as I sifted through the posts of friends and family, the Universe once again guided me to search my kids name. I did, naturally and was met with unexpected photos. It looked like his grad or prom. Oh he is so handsome. My heart glowing with pride and love for this not little boy (now a man).

It was a second photo that I saw, that brought the tears in great quantities. A family photo, all the faces beaming with pride. One definitely missing some people, like me. I felt a twinge of jealousy rip through my heart like forest fire. How many times had I prayed to be able to be there for that moment. Clearly not enough I thought as the tears rolled down my face. I got mad, mad at the lies I would hear, if they even told me. I was ashamed and proud at the same moment. Ashamed of them, with the smiles on their faces, ashamed this was the family I came from, the one I am fighting so hard to bring together. Hurt because I know they will pretend it never happened, either to spite me, or maybe not to hurt me. I don’t know anymore, it’s terribly confusing.

Among those harsh emotions, I never felt so proud. My heart was welling up with love and gratitude. I am most definitely grateful. I saw my aunt, with the biggest smile. I am happy for her, I am proud that I was able to give that to her, whether or not she acknowledges it, or me. I know what I have done, and I am very proud of that. I see my son just beaming. I think of his father, his family and I silently smile and say thank you to them for this gift, I also cry because they aren’t here to see it, but I know they are all in Heaven watching over him and also beaming with pride.

I struggle with what is the right way to feel. There are so many emotions right now, it’s hard to keep them contained. I fight the jealousy, I know its wrong, especially after how hard I have worked over the years to free myself of feelings like this, but I ride the wave and go with it, I know it is just passing. I am angry at all the deceit and slight of hand that has gone on for the last 15 years. I acknowledge it, I feel it as it passes through me. In the end I am left with love and happiness, and pride. This moment has been a culmination of many peoples experiences, their love. I realize that it was never just one of us, it was me, it was them, it was my grandparents. We all did this for that little boy. It was with the best of intentions, and the most love that this crazy road began. It was probably a lot easier for everyone else involved, my part of this journey, well lets just say I don’t think anyone would pick it purposely. It was filled with gallons of tears, the constant breaking of my heart, and sometimes of my spirit, my faith in God, my family, well everything. But like the phoenix, out of the ashes comes something beautiful and amazing.

I am one proud mama right now, whether my son knows it or not, and if I am by myself. I love that boy (man) with all my heart, and even if I couldn’t be there with him, with them on that special day I couldn’t be happier for him. I also am happy for his parents, they raised one pretty special kid ( I might be a little biased), I know it couldn’t have happened without them. So for that I am extremely grateful.

Life doesn’t always follow the path we think it should, there are bumps, turns and sometimes potholes in the road. They are there to remind us of the bigger picture and what is important in life. What defines us as a person is how we react to these things, and what we do next.

Just now “Bittersweet Symphony” came on the radio. Just to remind me how bittersweet this moment is for me. Like I need the help. The tears still falling, but ones of joy and love. I think of my son, and how much I love him. Hoping he can feel it a thousand miles away. ❤