Going back in time a bit, about 11 or so months 🙂 I was going to the store initially to buy some medicine. I felt off. Just thought I was getting a cold , it seemed to be that time of year for this type of thing to happen. I remember I went to get a registered letter from the post office, then stopped quickly in the store near the post office just too look. I was walking around when I suddenly was overcome by the feeling that I was going to be sick. Not really anywhere I wanted this to happen I quickly left, but as I left it dawned on me that I should stop one more place, for one more thing.
I got home, still feeling sick to my stomach, I couldn’t find the bathroom fast enough. As I scrambled up the stairs, in the back of my mind, I thought about the possibility. nah it couldn’t possibly be that? I finally arrived at my destination, struggled to get situated but finally did, bucket in front of me, in case, god forbid I got sick. On the other hand, I decided to kill two with one stone, so to speak., So while I was there I unwrapped that stick and did what I needed to. I sat motionless as time slowly ticked on, tick , tick, tick. My god could it go any slower?
My mind was full of so many thoughts, as the clock ticked away. My heart beat a little bit quicker, I kept telling myself not to get excited, because surely there was an explanation, and that was not it.
Finally the allotted time had passed, I looked to the counter beside me. I looked again. No, that couldn’t be right?! I shook my head, and rubbed my eyes, surely no? But when once again I peered at the stick, I saw something I never thought I’d ever see, a + sign. My immediate reaction was, I know I have some more somewhere? Where are they? Clearly this test was not right, it was a false positive. I took 5 more tests. all with the same answer. I was in shock to say the least. It sunk in, little by little.
I have wanted nothing more for years now, but after years of nothing happening, and it just not seeming to be in the cards, I kinda gave up. I mean if it hadn’t happened by like 30 or 35 I just figured, it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be and well I needed to quit fooling myself and get on with my life, and well forget about it. Till now, that is. As it sank in the tears ran down my face. I couldn’t believe this. I wasn’t sick. I was pregnant, at almost 40.
After the crying stopped, an hour or so later, the reality of everything hit me. was I ready for this? Could I do this? old thoughts immediately crept back into my mind, that I had doe something wrong, that there was something wrong and that is why I didn’t have my kids, the family I wanted. What was going to happen this time? In this moment of joy and happiness, my mind was plagued with terror. would it happen again. Don’t get too excited I told myself, this was a fluke, this wouldn’t last. I wasn’t allowed to be happy. This wasn’t in the plan. I prepared for the other shoe to drop. Voices from my past came back, telling me I couldn’t do it, something was wrong with me. I felt the happiness drain from my heart, and straightened my back and told myself to be practical.
…..
A week later or so I went to the walk in clinic to have the blood test done. The anticipation was killing me. But the urine test came back positive, and later the blood test. I was indeed pregnant. By that time I shared the news with my partner, whom was as surprised as I was.
So at almost 40. The wish, the dream, that impossible thing, that I wanted so damn badly was actually happening. This time around, I knew what to expect, having had a child some 19 years before. But this one went every way but what I expected. This would be an adventure for sure, I was excited, happy, and absolutely terrified, but in the best, most perfect way possible. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
A Blonde Girls Guide to Life 