Unbearable sadness

It’s bubbling up from the deepest depths of my heart, stashed away, seemingly long forgotten until this moment in time.

Triggered by a loss of a friend , way too soon. I find myself covered in tears, remembering old times, old lives which seem a million lifetimes away. Looking at old pictures, the memories flood back, the good, the bad and incredibly sad ones. I want to be anywhere but here. The tv turned up to mask, the uncontrollable sobbing, as I live through the moment.

Trying to quiet the sobs, as I remember the pain and anger, that doesn’t feel like a memory, even after all these years. I am still so angry, so sad, so hurt. Which surprises me in a way. Will it ever go a way?

Sadly it’s not just your memories this unearths. Others too. A place I’d rather not visit too often. I try to hold back the tears, I need to sleep I tell myself, instead of writing, instead of this current form of torture I’m putting myself through.

Unfortunately I know better, I know that I need to let it out, in order for it to be healed, to pass. My heart feels as it’s breaking all over again, with the same intensity as those moments. I’m not sure I can take it again. The loss.

I need a hug, but there are only pillows beside me tonight. I look online for someone to talk too, but it’s late, my true friends are asleep, best not bother anyone. I am strong, I remind myself silently. I don’t need anyone. But I do. This time I do.

That would have been you, if you were around, but you’re not. You’ve missed many conversations, so many things. I’m angry I can’t just call you. I can’t talk when I need you. I’m angry you are gone.

I’m angry because I still fight and on days like today I wonder why. I wonder why I have to be so strong, why I can’t just let go like everyone else around me. Why am I still here and you are not? It’s a dangerous game I play tonight, thankfully it’s just thoughts, nothing more. Doesn’t mean it’s easy or a walk in the park. But it will pass I hope.

Hopefully soon it will become a memory like everything else, and I can move on, but for now, this is my reality. So I find a sad movie to watch, this requires a deep dive, an all out cry fest. It’s been awhile since I’ve had one.

I take out my favorite pictures and crawl inside my heart where my memories of you are kept. I go back in time what seems like a million years, only a couple of decades or so, maybe less. But it feels like yesterday. That summer full of chaos and fun. It changed my life that summer. Then that new year. Not so great huh? Lots of fond memories. I miss you.

I miss the way we were, our friendship. I miss talking to you. Damnit why aren’t you here? I hate that you left. I hate the mess that was left, when you went away. I hate that you feel so far away.

It’s been a long time, I wish you knew what you did to us, the ones that are left. I know that for you it wasn’t easy, there was lots of stuff going on, clearly now, you were in a great deal of pain, that couldn’t be expressed for whatever reason. Pain that grew until it couldn’t anymore, and just exploded.

But we weren’t left unscathed. I stayed in touch as much as I could, but it was hard. I felt awful, because I’m sure me being around,  made them remember you in better times, or maybe it was me that was reminded, but over time the distance got greater.

I can only speak for myself, but those first years weren’t easy. Full of anger and tears. One day I would be so sad, other days or maybe even that same day I’d be so angry. Angry at you for leaving, angry for everyone who loved you. I wish I knew why? Why you felt like you were alone in this world? You had so many people who loved and cared for you. Any of us would’ve been there if you only asked. All of us would give anything for another moment with you. Another hug, conversation, hell even another fight. Anything to bring you back.

A dream for sure. I want you know that you were so loved. That you mattered to so many. That you mattered to me. I’m sorry if I let you down. If I wasn’t there when you needed me. I will always regret that, that I didn’t see it, that I couldn’t have helped more. I’ve tried to take care of those you left. To be there, to hold them, to be the shoulder to cry on, or whatever else they needed. I’ve tried to do right by you. I wish you peace and rest. I hope you are with loved ones, I hoped you got to heal. You are missed dearly. We love you 💗

❤

My birthday the last 5 years has been bittersweet. Always tinged with your loss. I miss your friendship, your talks, I miss you.

Life has changed so much in that five years. I wish you were here to share in the joy and happiness that has slowly found its way to me.

I think of your family and friends alot today. How blessed we were to know you and how sad that it was cut so short.

You are missed by many my friend. ❤❤❤❤❤

Heartline

The umbilical cord between us was severed 19yrs ago. But the line from your heart to mine, isn’t quite cut yet but it has been stretched and pulled over the years.

I always imagined this line between us that could never be cut or demolished in any way. I would always feel you and you’d always feel me. I was so certain that it would be this way forever.

Now that line has been well tested for sure. Through the ups and downs of our shared life together and our lives when we were separated.

It was pulled and twisted over and over again. It was run over, set ablaze and still managed to come out intact. I’ve always felt you. At times I could feel your sadness, your heartbreak, and your happiness. Over the years it has waned. Maybe the distance between us made it weaker, but it was always there. Though as I moved closer in miles to you whether I knew it or not, the signal seemed to get weaker.

Its been so many years, my love for you, has never once gone away or lessened one bit. You have my heart forever

But I have been unsure of your end. Not being able to be with you or near You, I am always in the dark with everything related to you. Especially your feelings towards me. As you grew up I suppose it was what I feared the most, that you felt anger or worse, nothing for me.

I was and am still afraid of not being part of your life some how, I can’t imagine losing you again, but realize that it could happen.

When I found You, I couldn’t have been happier, but I’ve always stayed on the perimeter. Nearby but still outside. A choice I believed with all my heart was the right one. You needed time, I tell my heart. A little bit longer.

But lately I haven’t felt you that much. Today I broke down and cried, so afraid I was losing you again. True there is a new line attached to my heart but as a mother, I am capable of many lines.

It doesn’t mean I love you any less than the day we met, in fact I like to think it only strengthened my love for you. You are always my first. No one can take that away. But I feel like more and more you are moving away instead of towards me.

See I always thought it was you way back to me. Just like the bread crumbs, only this wouldn’t get eaten by birds, you could find your way home to me.

All the tangles, twists and turns make it hard. So much so, that maybe you figure whats the point, why go to all the trouble? Maybe you feel the weight and feel its holding you back? I don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling but I can feel you pulling away.

My own heart is breaking, at the thought of this. I keep praying that I will once more feel that familiar pulse that is your heart. That one day all the stretching will go away. That the distance will go away.

But I caution myself and my heart. I wuestion whether or not I made the right decisions with regards to you? To staying away? To everything? Although I believe every thing happens for a reason, and in its own time, it’s sometimes hard to feel this is true. I second guess myself lots.

I try to calm that achy feeling, and tell myself to slow down, to not read too deep into these feelings. To give you time and space. My heart fights back. Tired of always waiting on the sidelines, it wants instant gratification, which I understand.

But this is the long game. Forever. I slow my heart and try to fix the ache. I collect my thoughts and feelings and push them down even further. Trying to forget them. I tell myself it will work out just be patient.

In the meantime I hold that heart line as if it were gold, more precious than anything. I hold onto it just hoping for even the faintest of pulses. Telling me you’re still there.

I love and miss you with all my heart. My love for you as a mother has never wavered or dissipated and never will. I will continue to be patient and wait for that day. I will never stop waiting. 💗💗💗

Mothers Day

One of the best moments in my life was the day I became a mother. It is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs I will ever have. From a young age I always wanted to be like a mom, just like mine. When I would play house I was always Mom, yes I am older, but that was what I wanted more than anything when I grew up.

At five, I had no clue how hard it was, I saw my Mom and the stuff she did, if I did that then I would be a mom. At 20 I had no clue how hard it was, but very quickly found out when my eldest came into the world. To say I was slightly under prepared, would be an understatement. But like every other mother in the world the learning curve is a steep and fast one, but you catch on pretty quick.

He hardly slept the little bugger. I swear that boy would go to bed at midnight and wake up at 5am bright eyed, and bushy tailed. Sleep was a thing of the past indeed. Never mind, the middle of the night feedings, the crying that wouldn’t stop no matter what I did, and you’d go through the whole list, change the diaper, feed him, hug him, sing to him, hell I even found myself in the crib because he wouldn’t sleep. The things you do for your baby.

You suddenly find yourself doing anything and everything for that baby. There isn’t anything you wouldn’t do. The same show over and over again until you are repeating it in your sleep, when you happen to doze off, building towers of Lego and playing cars in the dirt. I read the same story over and over because that’s the one he liked.

Then there were the harder times, the first time he fell and got hurt. The nights, when he was sick and there was nothing I could do, the trips to the hospital that made my heart cry. The nights I would spend crying to sleep because I was tired, and nobody told me this was how it was going to be.

The decisions I had to make, were all about him. Whatever was best for him, no matter how hard they were for me. Not one person explained that one to me. But I learned. Even through those desperately hard times, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to do.

Skip ahead many years and for the first time in a very long while I am feeling like I have the right to celebrate this day once again. A mother again, much has changed this time around, much has stayed the same. But for me personally, I am humbled this time around, I don’t for granted these moments which are indeed fleeting at best, though difficult at the time, and I have been tested. I know it’s all worth it in the end. Its the best job.

So to all the moms, who have bags under their eyes from very little sleep, whose hair hasn’t been brushed in awhile, who wear the same clothes every day, who are spit up on, peed on, and don’t even care, the ones who stay up all night with their babies when they are sick, drive everywhere, do anything to make them better. The women that juggle jobs, and kids, husbands and partners and sometimes not. The ones who the job doesn’t stop if you are feeling tired or sick. The ones that carry screaming kids out of shopping centres and grocery stores, who pee nursing a baby, or hide in closets, cry in showers just to get a minute. I salute you. I am you. Thank you for everything that you do. This world wouldn’t turn without you. You are underpaid, and underappreciated most of the time. But we all know that its worth it in the end. Here’s to all the moms around the world that do it all. Happy Mothers Day ❤ ❤ <3. Enjoy your day.

Oh Baby

It took awhile for everything to sink in, motherhood again at my age was well daunting in so many ways. As the months would pass, and my body once again changed with each day, I began to slip into old thoughts more and more. My anxiety about this pregnancy was at an all time high. I don’t remember being so worried last time.

Everything was different this time. I thought I knew what to expect, I did have a 19 year old out there in the world. Though as true as that statement may be, this pregnancy was different right off the bat, last time I was lucky, never sick a day. Not so, this time around, I felt sick to my stomach everyday, but wouldn’t throw up. I had constant headaches, and a cold that never seemed to go away.

Despite all of this, the usual weight gain, the new wonderful stretch marks that adorned my body, I was beyond happy and blessed to be in this position. I knew very well, not all people got to experience this.

This pregnancy if anything made me more humble, right from day one.  I was in a grey area with regards to health. Most doctors I saw, put me as high risk right away, just because of my age, then add the history of clots, well that put me in a new stratosphere so to speak. I would be closely watched for the entire pregnancy. Late in the pregnancy I again encountered a hiccup so to speak. I was told I had gestational diabetes.

My mind was going crazy with all of this information, and these worries.  Add to that all the worries and thoughts that were already there, to say it was stressful, was a vast understatement. At night when it was quiet, the world was sleeping, I would worry about my past coming back to haunt me. Would I lose this child too? It was a horrible thought to say the least, but it was always there, just under the skin. I fought daily with my own mind, trying to put thoughts like that to rest. But I also wondered if the things that were said, and thought so many years ago, the stuff about me not being a good parent, or capable of being one, things like that haunted my mind at night.

My partner was away at work in another province throughout the pregnancy, although I was used to this part of our lives already, this new addition was making it often harder to cope with day to day. Often I felt alone. Doctors visits were nerve-racking as it was, but without him here, I was usually a mess. Thank god for his sisters. But still, I had always imagined that if I were to be in this way again, it’d be different, I wouldn’t be alone. Yet here I was, some nights were long and hard. Maybe it was all the hormones coursing through my body, maybe it was the stress, but there were many nights I cried myself to sleep.

My mom was far away, again, and he was far away as well. Sometimes it was too much. I had to go to the city for an ultrasound, they were trying to determine if everything was okay because of my advanced age. I was never so scared to go to an appointment, as I was for this one. Everything ended up being fine, but the build up was pretty intense.

Honestly up until that very appointment I still wasn’t sure I was really pregnant. I could be just getting fat. It wasn’t until I saw those ultrasound pictures, then it became real. I saw the heartbeat, I saw my baby wave at me. Then it became so very real. So regardless of the risks, worries, etc. I am very excited about what is happening. ❤

A wish granted

Going back in time a bit, about 11 or so months 🙂 I was going to the store initially to buy some medicine. I felt off. Just thought I was getting a cold , it seemed to be that time of year for this type of thing to happen. I remember I went to get a registered letter from the post office, then stopped quickly in the store near the post office just too look. I was walking around when I suddenly was overcome by the feeling that I was going to be sick. Not really anywhere I wanted this to happen I quickly left, but as I left it dawned on me that I should stop one more place, for one more thing.

I got home, still feeling sick to my stomach, I couldn’t find the bathroom fast enough. As I scrambled up the stairs, in the back of my mind, I thought about the possibility. nah it couldn’t possibly be that? I finally arrived at my destination, struggled to get situated but finally did, bucket in front of me, in case, god forbid I got sick. On the other hand, I decided to kill two with one stone, so to speak., So while I was there I unwrapped that stick and did what I needed to. I sat motionless as time slowly ticked on, tick , tick, tick. My god could it go any slower?

My mind was full of so many thoughts, as the clock ticked away. My heart beat a little bit quicker, I kept telling myself not to get excited, because surely there was an explanation, and that was not it.

Finally the allotted time had passed, I looked to the counter beside me. I looked again. No, that couldn’t be right?! I shook my head, and rubbed my eyes, surely no? But when once again I peered at the stick, I saw something I never thought I’d ever see, a + sign. My immediate reaction was, I know I have some more somewhere? Where are they? Clearly this test was not right, it was a false positive. I took 5 more tests. all with the same answer.  I was in shock to say the least. It sunk in, little by little.

I have wanted nothing more for years now, but after years of nothing happening, and it just not seeming to be in the cards, I kinda gave up. I mean if it hadn’t happened by like 30 or 35 I just figured, it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be and well I needed to quit fooling myself and get on with my life, and well forget about it. Till now, that is. As it sank in the tears ran down my face. I couldn’t believe this. I wasn’t sick. I was pregnant, at almost 40.

After the crying stopped, an hour or so later, the reality of everything hit me. was I ready for this? Could I do this? old thoughts immediately crept back into my mind, that I had doe something wrong, that there was something wrong and that is why I didn’t have my kids, the family I wanted. What was going to happen this time? In this moment of joy and happiness, my mind was plagued with terror. would it happen again. Don’t get too excited I told myself, this was a fluke, this wouldn’t last. I wasn’t allowed to be happy. This wasn’t in the plan. I prepared for the other shoe to drop. Voices from my past came back, telling me I couldn’t do it, something was wrong with me. I felt the happiness drain from my heart, and straightened my back and told myself to be practical.

…..

A week later or so I went to the walk in clinic to have the blood test done. The anticipation was killing me. But the urine test came back positive, and later the blood test. I was indeed pregnant. By that time I shared the news with my partner, whom was  as surprised as I was.

So at almost 40. The wish, the dream, that impossible thing, that I wanted so damn badly was actually happening. This time around, I knew what to expect, having had a child some 19 years before. But this one went every way but what I expected. This would be an adventure for sure, I was excited, happy, and absolutely terrified, but in the best, most perfect way possible. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Coming back

It seems like forever since I have written anything. Clearly almost a year has passed since I last posted anything. Not necessarily because I had nothing to say, but mostly things happened and I chose to deal with them privately until there was a time I was okay putting it out into the world.

Things have changed over the past year. Some major changes as well as some minor ones as well. Since last writing some family has passed away. For me it was a shock and I definitely needed some time. The people who passed were my aunt and uncle. The very ones who adopted my son. Both got sick and passed way to soon for any of us, but sooner for others.

The decision to keep it private was mostly for their sakes, and well for my son as well. The family needed time to grieve. I needed time. Both losses were hard for me, I seem to have a legacy of leaving things unsaid and with these two especially I didn’t want the same but circumstances as they were, the universe had its own plans.  When my uncle passed it was hard, but for me personally it was his wife’s passing that was more difficult. Plus feeling it was happening and not being able to do anything once again made it worse.

Although the connection was so many years ago, it was not easy. Fifteen years had passed since I was able to speak to my aunt. So much had happened in that time, good and bad, and everything in between. I happened to call home for some reason, and was shocked to hear that quite a few family members were in the hospital at the same time. When I found out whom, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew instinctively the moment I heard her name it was bad, that this was it, my last chance. I am still crying over her loss. What sucked was maybe a day before I had purchased a plane ticket to go home and visit before Christmas. I couldn’t change my tickets. I was running out of time. I so badly wanted to be able to see her before I couldn’t.

I arrived on a Sat, she passed on the Monday. She didn’t want visitors and it just about killed me to hear that. At first I just thought it a cruel ploy to keep me away, boy was I mad. Then slowly I realized it may of really been her wish, and how could I go against it? Days before coming I wrote a letter to her, the last one I would write. She didn’t get that one, but one did get to her. thought it would have been better in person, it said what was important, that above everything I had nothing but gratitude and love for both of them, and what they had done for my family; for Micheal.

My heart kept on breaking that visit and for some time afterward. It still hurts. I’m still crying. I realized how much time was lost, for what? I couldn’t remember what everyone was fighting about anymore. Did it matter? Not really, and in my eyes, it desperately needed to stop. How many more people had to die before people would get it? My heart was heavy with thoughts of how it used to be, before all of this. Memories of staying at her house, camping out, the fires with marshmallows, the pancakes in the morning. If I was close to anyone in my family, it was her. From day one, we had this connection, I have trouble even now describing, but it was intense and special. There was no one like her, and she just understood me in a way not too many people got. Some of my most favorite memories are times I spent with her. To say I was devastated when we quit talking was putting it mildly. Now that she was gone, and there was no chance of fixing it, of the memories that could have been. There are no words that appropriately describe it.

My heart broke for my son. The universe seemed too cruel to him. Once again I found myself wanting to do anything to take the pain away for him, to shoulder that burden, but I know all to well, that is not how this works. I felt like a failure as a mother all over again. I couldn’t do anything right when it came to him. I wanted to run to him, to hold him, to beg for his forgiveness for putting him in this situation, but I couldn’t. Hell I doubt he’d want anything to do with me after this. If he wasn’t already mad at me, this surely would send him there. How did I know? He was part of me. Hell how could I forgive myself for this mess now?

I knew deep down once again that I had to walk the other way, at least for awhile. So I retreated into myself, and grieved in my own way, for all of them. For the family that was now broken, lost. For the relationships that could not come back, for the way life once was, I tried hard not to lose sight of the future which seemed so very uncertain but still so full of hope, that out of this there may be a silver lining, that one day he would come back to me, and the rest of the family that missed him so very much, in time.

In the meantime, there was a lot of other stuff that would hold my attention, a new chapter in my familys’ life. And right now, I had to do whatever I needed, to make sure that this part of my life came to fruition. But more about that later. So I healed in the ways I knew, I took the time to feel all of the emotions I was, and there was a lot, so many, and lots of complicated ones at that, sorting through that closet was not the easiest of tasks, and it would take a lot of soul searching, a lot of forgiveness. But in the end I was finally able to close the door on this chapter of my life, and get ready for the next adventure. ❤

Family Dinner

I was halfway through them when I started to cry, Oh how I miss her. Thinking of my dads mom. I was making perogies for family dinner tonight. A meal that was increasingly becoming one of my favorites. I instituted it after moving into my boyfriends house. I saw and felt the need for it. These kids needed the connection amongst themselves and with others in the family.

So every Sunday night my house fills up with either just the kids and myself, and Dad if he is home, or sometimes the Auntys come with the cousins. I am in my element in this environment. Surrounded by family, and making food for them.

Years ago, many years ago it was pretty common that my family would get together to share a meal together. My cousins lived not too far from us, as did my other aunt. Those memories of us around the same table, seem to be fading further and faster away. I miss that. Since becoming an adult and mother in my own right, I have longed for the family togetherness that we used to have. But over time, the relationships for whatever became strained, now we hardly talk, let alone have dinner together.

Maybe I’m old school. but in a world where everyone is on their phones 24/7. Where what’s happening on Facebook, Instagram, or the million other social sites is more important than anything else, I think we have lost something. More and more we are losing our families. Sure compared to the 50’s when the nuclear family was still intact,  where both Mom and Dad were home for dinner, as were the kids, things are drastically different. Now the nuclear family has all but disappeared in a lot of families. Family comes in many different forms now, but the connection we had with them has changed.

I can’t remember the last time me and my immediate family sat down and had dinner. Maybe high school? My parents have since divorced, we grew up and live in different areas of the country.

Just before I left I got a taste of family dinner of the past, when I got to see my Grandmother. It brought tears to my eyes and it became very apparent just how much I missed this little thing. So when I moved, and was going to have a new family I wanted to do things differently. As important as I think it is for the kids, I knew deep down I needed it too. I needed to connect with those around me.

I selfishly love Sundays. My day is spent usually cleaning then dreaming up the nights menu. Its usually something homemade, like Grandma or Baba made. I want the same feeling I got when I had those meals years ago. But not only that it gave me the chance to pass on family traditions with food. I know the kids get at least one good meal for sure. But seeing them happy and engaged has been the best part of this experience. Nothing makes this Momma happier or prouder than seeing the kids enjoying themselves, connecting with their siblings, me, their Dad, their cousins, Aunts etc.

It makes my heart glow, and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I love seeing the joy my cooking, my food brings the people I love. I have never felt more complete, more like a mother than I do now. These family dinners have brought me love and happiness.

As for Babas perogies, well they speak for themselves, and they are always my favorite food to make because it brings me closer to her, and my family traditions and heritage. And that is what these family dinners are all about in the end. Love, family, food, traditions and heritage. ❤ ❤ ❤

My heart breaks for you both. I can imagine the pain that you feeling at the moment and I am sorry. I sincerely wish I could take that pain away from you both.

To him, thank you for raising him the way you did. I appreciate you both very much for that. You should be very proud of the man you raised. I know I am. I know we have had our differences over the years, and alot of bad feelings have passed between us. But I love you and have only gratitude for everything you have done.

May rest easy and in peace 💗💔

bittersweet

Wiping the crud out of my eyes this morning, I woke up to being nuzzled by a furry, purring face reminding me that it was time to get up and feed him. I rolled around and grabbed the phone to see 5:45 glaring back at me in glowing numbers. I let out a low growl, buried my head back under the pillow trying to avoid what was about to happen. Seriously I begged the furry beast now roaming my chest and face “one more minute?”

Apparently not in the cards this morning! Like most people I checked my FB and as I sifted through the posts of friends and family, the Universe once again guided me to search my kids name. I did, naturally and was met with unexpected photos. It looked like his grad or prom. Oh he is so handsome. My heart glowing with pride and love for this not little boy (now a man).

It was a second photo that I saw, that brought the tears in great quantities. A family photo, all the faces beaming with pride. One definitely missing some people, like me. I felt a twinge of jealousy rip through my heart like forest fire. How many times had I prayed to be able to be there for that moment. Clearly not enough I thought as the tears rolled down my face. I got mad, mad at the lies I would hear, if they even told me. I was ashamed and proud at the same moment. Ashamed of them, with the smiles on their faces, ashamed this was the family I came from, the one I am fighting so hard to bring together. Hurt because I know they will pretend it never happened, either to spite me, or maybe not to hurt me. I don’t know anymore, it’s terribly confusing.

Among those harsh emotions, I never felt so proud. My heart was welling up with love and gratitude. I am most definitely grateful. I saw my aunt, with the biggest smile. I am happy for her, I am proud that I was able to give that to her, whether or not she acknowledges it, or me. I know what I have done, and I am very proud of that. I see my son just beaming. I think of his father, his family and I silently smile and say thank you to them for this gift, I also cry because they aren’t here to see it, but I know they are all in Heaven watching over him and also beaming with pride.

I struggle with what is the right way to feel. There are so many emotions right now, it’s hard to keep them contained. I fight the jealousy, I know its wrong, especially after how hard I have worked over the years to free myself of feelings like this, but I ride the wave and go with it, I know it is just passing. I am angry at all the deceit and slight of hand that has gone on for the last 15 years. I acknowledge it, I feel it as it passes through me. In the end I am left with love and happiness, and pride. This moment has been a culmination of many peoples experiences, their love. I realize that it was never just one of us, it was me, it was them, it was my grandparents. We all did this for that little boy. It was with the best of intentions, and the most love that this crazy road began. It was probably a lot easier for everyone else involved, my part of this journey, well lets just say I don’t think anyone would pick it purposely. It was filled with gallons of tears, the constant breaking of my heart, and sometimes of my spirit, my faith in God, my family, well everything. But like the phoenix, out of the ashes comes something beautiful and amazing.

I am one proud mama right now, whether my son knows it or not, and if I am by myself. I love that boy (man) with all my heart, and even if I couldn’t be there with him, with them on that special day I couldn’t be happier for him. I also am happy for his parents, they raised one pretty special kid ( I might be a little biased), I know it couldn’t have happened without them. So for that I am extremely grateful.

Life doesn’t always follow the path we think it should, there are bumps, turns and sometimes potholes in the road. They are there to remind us of the bigger picture and what is important in life. What defines us as a person is how we react to these things, and what we do next.

Just now “Bittersweet Symphony” came on the radio. Just to remind me how bittersweet this moment is for me. Like I need the help. The tears still falling, but ones of joy and love. I think of my son, and how much I love him. Hoping he can feel it a thousand miles away. ❤